Dialogue Retreat Boston Theological Institute Religion and Conflict

Dialogue Retreat Boston Theological Institute Religion and Conflict Transformation Program Robert Stains Public Conversations Project

Today Welcome, intro to day and dialogue Exercise: Beginnings Sharing objects Exercise: Questions for persuading or eliciting Presentation: Identity, threat, inquiry and dialogue Exercise: Questions in service of the asked Lunch Preparatory interviews Dialogue practice and debrief; Q and A Closing

Beginning questions In Pairs: 1. What is something of interest to you, or that energizes you, that others here might not know about you? 2. What expertise or life experience are you bringing with you today that might be useful for others to know?

Questions for beginnings Evoke curiosity Invite personal connection Elicit competence Reduce anxiety Raise energy Get the body involved

Object and what it represents about your faith path Speak for up to one (1) minute Person to speaker’s left times with watch Pass watch to speaker when time ends Pause a beat between speakers And so on around the circle No commenting on others’ speaking At conclusion, place your object on the table if you wish to

Core Premises • We need community to get things done • We need relationships to create and maintain community • We need conversation to create and maintain relationships • The quality of conversation drives the quality of relationship • “Stuck”, destructive conversations have self-sustaining properties. • Relationships shift when the content and process of conversations shift.

Emotional Dysregulation Triggering Vigilance Attack/Defend Patterns/cycles

Cycle of Defensive Response Attack/D efend Trigger Vigilance Trigger Attack/D efend

What Helps “Mindsight” (Siegel)–Reflection, Attention, Intention Prevent destructive loops via preparation and structure Invite and amplify positive deviations Develop “Islands of Reflection” Shape conversational environments Notice, name, discern, choose Inquiry

Dialogue Purpose: better communication for mutual understanding. Not: debate; problem-solving; education Effected by: Reflection on one’s own and others’ perspectives Shared agreements that guide the conversation Structured exchanges that prevent old patterns and enhance speaking and listening Opportunity to explore genuine interest in the other

Questions for Persuasion or Understanding Pair up Round one: Speaker 1: something you believe is true: one sentence Asker: ask questions to persuade the speaker otherwise (2 min. ) Switch roles and repeat with Speaker 2

Round Two Speaker One: say something you believe is true again Asker: ask questions to understand speaker’s perspective, thinking, feeling, choosing, etc. 2 Min. Switch roles and repeat with Speaker 2 Return to circle

Debrief What was going on for you –as asker or listener- in each condition: persuasion and understanding? What did each kind of asking evoke? Was there a question that stood out as particularly useful?

Keep in mind Intention and Impact: “Mind the gap” Attention gives life Potentially problematic questions: Attributive Problem and past-focused Knowing, distant, instructive Rhetorical or pseudo “Why? ” questions

16 Questions to shift conversation In advance; to prepare to bring “best self” To help notice what goes unnoticed/unrecognized: meanings, capacities, personal and shared history, choices To develop fresh perspectives: time, value, relationship Elicit hope not fear

Questions and Contexts Before a first session Between sessions Questions to all in a group Questions to individuals alone and together Questions parties ask one another Asynchronous questions

Questions to advance reflection History and context Hopes and concerns Effects of conflict Positive experiences Ideas for change

Questions in service of the asked By yourself: a dilemma Headline, if you wish; state the dilemma Why it’s a dilemma for you Minimum essential facts Specific example Groups of 4 Time-keeper

In your groups Speaker speaks: 3 min. Headline, if you wish; state the dilemma Why it’s a dilemma for you Minimum essential facts Specific example Listeners ask, scribe writes: 3 min. Speaker tells effects of questions: 3 min. Repeat X 3 Debrief as group: 5 min. Return to circle

Process Purpose People Prevent Promote Prepare Plan

Preparation Planning Worksheet Individual Prevent Promote Interpersonal Tools 22

Creating the space for dialogue • Pre-meeting connection • Pre-dialogue meal • Seating: circle, pro/con • Agreements • Questions to all • Responses within a structure • Questions of one another • Questions to close and transition