Death and Grieving ARR Randall When you were

Death and Grieving ARR- Randall When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in a manner so that when you die the world cries and you rejoice. --Native American Proverb

Strange as it may seem, death is a part of living. Where did you learn your ideas or views about death? Family Religious beliefs Superstitions Experiences with death Attitude toward life Mental health Media Science

1. How would you define Death?

Where do Sparrow’s Go to Die? A question I often asked myself as a child was? “Where do the sparrows go when they die? ” I didn’t know the answer then and I still wonder about it. Now I see a dead bird silenced by some evil force, and I know He didn’t die. Something killed him: the elements took him away, a lost soul in the night. When I was six, my best friend was a boy on my street. We used to play in my sandbox, talking of things long forgotten by grown ups. Like never growing up, or the monsters under out beds and in dark closets. His name was Tommy, but I called him Sparrow because he was small for his age. It’s ironic to think of that name now because he died, too. I remember the day I found out Tommy was dying. I waited in the sandbox for hi, half-heartedly building the castle we began the day before. Without Tommy I was only half, so I waited I for what seemed like forever, and it began to rain. Then I heard a distant ring from the house. About 10 minutes later may mother came out, sheltered by her umbrella but her face wet just the same. We walked to the house. Just before we entered, I turned around and watched the rain beat down the sand castle Tommy and I built. Once I was inside and had a cup of hot chocolate in my belly, my mother called me to the table. She put her hands on mine. They were shaking. I immediately felt it: something had happened to Tommy. She said doctors had performed some blood tests awhile back. When they received the test results, something showed up wrong. That something was leukemia. I didn’t know what it was and I looked at my mother with confused eyes, but with a knowing and heavy heart. She said that people who had what Tommy got-no: what got Tommyhad to go away. I didn’t want him to go away. I wanted him to stay, with me. The next day I had to see Tommy. I had to see if it was all true, so I had the bus driver drop me off at his house instead of mine. When I reached the door, Tommy’s mom said that he didn’t want to see me. She had no idea how easily she could hurt a little girl. She broke my heart like a piece of cheap glass. I ran home in tears. After I returned home, Tommy called. He said to meet him at the sandbox after our parents went to bed, so I did. He didn’t look different, maybe a little paler, but it was Tommy. He did want to see me. We talked of those subjects incomprehensible to adults, and all the while we rebuilt our sand castle. Tommy said we could live in one just like it and never grow up. I believed him wholeheartedly. There we fell asleep, engulfed in true friendship, surrounded by warm sand watched by our sand castle. I woke up just before dawn. Our sandbox was like a desolate island surrounded by a sea of grass, interrupted only by the back patio and the street. A child’s imagination is never ending. The dew gave the imaginary sea a reflective shimmer, and I remember reaching out to touch the dew to see if it would make the make-believe water ripple, but it did not. I turned around, and Tommy jolted me back to reality. He was already awake, staring at the castle. I joined him, and there we sat, locked in the awesome magic in the sand castle held for two small children. Tommy broke the silence and said, “I’m going to the castle now. ” We moved like robots, as if we knew what we were doing, and I guess in some small way we did. Tommy laid his head on my lap and said drowsily, “I’m going to the castle now. Come visit; I’ll be lonely. ” I promised him with all my heart that I would. Then he closed his eyes, and my sparrow flew away to where I knew at that moment all the other sparrows went when they died. And there he left me, holding a soulless, crippled little bird in my arms. I went back to Tommy’s grave 20 years later and placed a small toy castle on it. On the castle I had engraved, “To Tommy, my sparrow. I’ll come to our castle someday, forever. ” When I am ready, I’ll go back to the place where our sandbox was and imagine our sand castle. Then my soul, like Tommy’s, will turn into a sparrow and will fly back to the castle, and to Tommy, and to all the other little lost sparrows. A six-year-old again, who will never grow up.

2. Why do most people dislike talking and thinking about death?

3. What positive and negative statements could you make about your life thus far?

4. What are some ways people deny that death is part of everyone's life? • MANY PEOPLE AVOID USING THE WORD DEATH OR DEAD, • PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE WILLS, • PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE ARRANGEMENTS FOR WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY DIED, ETC.

5. What do you fear most about dying?

6. Name three major stages the body passes through in dying and briefly describe what happens in each stage. CLINICAL DEATH - when the heart and lungs stop working BRAIN DEATH - lack of oxygen to the brain CELLULAR DEATH - when oxygen in the tissues and organs is used and all functions slowly end.

7. How is it possible that there can be disagreement concerning whether or not a person is dead? Because of medical technology, machines can keep a body functioning even though the individual is no longer aware of his/her existence. Many physicians disagree as to how long certain medical tests should be performed to determine if death has indeed occurred. .

Grief • The pain, discomfort, mental and physical feeling that most people feel following the death of a loved one. • People suffer grief at the loss of anything. It doesn’t just have to be death.

8. List the stages of dying and grieving. Write down the characteristics of each stage.

Grieving Process

a. Denial • In this stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. • We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one.

• We set an extra plate at the table. • We expect them to be there when we get home. • We flash back to memories and conversations. • These are all part of this stage.

b. Anger • We get angry. • The anger can manifest itself in many ways. • We blame others for our loss. • We become easily agitated having emotional outbursts.

• We can even become angry at ourselves. • Care must be taken here not to turn the anger inwards. • Release of this anger is essential!

c. Bargaining • Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. • Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality of what really happened. • We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. • It is only human to want things back as they were before

d. Depression • Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. • This is the most difficult of the stages to deal with. • There can be a feeling of being tired and lacking energy. • Outbursts of tears may occur.

• You may feel like there is no purpose to your life anymore. • You may feel like you are being punished. • Pleasure and joy may be difficult to express. • There may even be thoughts of suicide. • If you at any time in this stage, feel like doing yourself harm, professional counseling should be sought.

e. Acceptance • This is the final stage of grief. • It happens when you know that you have to go on. • You can accept your loss and now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. • It may take some time to get to this stage, but you will get there!

Mourning Process

Shock • Occurs between the time of death and time of the final arrangements. • During “Shock” one may even deny that the death has occurred.

Intense Feeling of Loss/Pain • Usually occurs two to three months after the loss. • The bereaved person may withdraw from the world.

Resolution • One starts living a regular life.

9. Describe some ways that persons go through a kind of mourning when they experience losses other than death.

10. Explain some problems experienced by family and friends as they cope with the death or dying of someone dear to them. • The bereaved person may show emotional and/or physical disorders such as insomnia, weight loss, headaches, etc.

11. Four Basic Needs of the Bereaved

Companionship

Vent Feelings

TIME

Time Alone

12. What are some appropriate things to say to the bereaved? • "It’s okay to cry, " • "I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. "

13. What should you avoid saying to the bereaved? • • • “Cheer Up, ” “Time heals all wounds, ” “He/she is better off, ” “It was God’s will, ” “Call me if you need to. ”

14. Describe some ways to express condolences. • • Donation to a favorite charity, Personal letter, Flowers, Phone calls, Gift of money, Gift of food, Visit, And assistance such as mowing the lawn, cooking meals, doing laundry, baby sitting, making phone calls, etc.

15. Describe some local customs concerning funerals.

16. How might costs affect the funeral arrangement made by the survivors? Quite often the financial situation of the family dictates how extensive a funeral service can be. If all expenses have been allowed for in the deceased’s will, the family should be able to arrange a service as wished by the deceased.

17. What is the purpose of a memorial service, funeral, or visitation? Without funerals and visitation, the process of coming to accept the death of a loved on would, for many, never be complete. Funerals allow for the open caring, grieving and expressing that the human animal seems to need to reorder life and return to routine living.

Eulogy • Write an Eulogy. • Be creative in your approach. • Write something by which you will truly be remembered.

Your Name: …………. . Age: ………. . died yesterday from: ………………. He/she was survived by: …………. At the time of death, he/she was working on becoming…………………… He/she made contributions in the area of: … He/she always hoped to: …………… The body will be: …………………

Summary • In the past, people were born and died at home with their families nearby. Most people died in their own beds. Death was considered a natural part of the life cycle. Today most deaths occur in hospitals; the dying are often surrounded by medical personnel instead of family members. Death has become a remote subject that many people avoid discussing.