CoParenting Two Parents Two Homes Presented By Parenting

Co-Parenting Two Parents – Two Homes Presented By: Parenting Matters Facilitator: Sarah Mc. Kennon, MA, QMHP aparentingmatter. com aparentingmatter@gmail. com

(pg. 3) Introduction O Restrooms are by main entrance area O 15 minute break around the 2 hour mark O Cell phones OFF and put away until break (mine will be on and on front table in case of emergency) O Class is confidential other than statements regarding crime, abuse or neglect. O Please write questions in booklet and ask when opportunity is announced.

(pg. 4) Grief Process O 1. Why is the grief process discussed in a co-parenting class? O 2. Who is grieving? O Grief processes from relational endings are not entered into at the same time for all involved. O Children enter last and their grief is suffered longer and with more confusion. O 3. What function does “anger” serve in the grief process?

Pg. 5 Effects of Separation/Divorce O 1. What factors about an individual child influences how they cope with two households or co-parenting situations? O 2. Are separation/divorce/co-parenting situations harder on girls or boys? O Parents need to know each child’s grief symptoms and address them accordingly and empathetically. O There is more profound grieving during the overly emotional adolescent time.

(pg. 6 -7) Pre-birth - 6 years Pre- birth – 3 yrs – 6 yrs O In the womb and out O Experience selfbabes appear to blame, bedwetting, recognize voices of fear of parents & react to stress. From womb they create abandonment, stress triggers these are believe they can seen once born. Stress is an adrenaline overdose fix/change with that effects brain growth good/bad behavior, and may cause delays in may try to be perfect. milestones. Child may show regression during relational transition.

(pg. 8 -9) 6 - 13 years 6 yrs. - 10 yrs. O Great desire for reconciliation, very manipulative, sadness/anger expressed when frustrated, expressions of deprivation. O Manipulation video. O https: //www. youtube. com/w atch? v=x 7 f. J 3 yx 27 GI&list=P LI 9 ntr 5 X 3 t_Je. Lp 3 z 7 u. Mg. XKT Fix. Pbwa. Z&index=5 10 yrs. – 13 yrs. Worry about future, feel powerless/despair, money concerns, feel rejected, growing up fast goals, investigate conflicts, take sides, anger, caretaker. O Stay out of the way video O O https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=Szi. FKf. Illo. Q&index=2&list=PLI 9 ntr 5 X 3 t_Je. Lp 3 z 7 u. Mg. XKTFix. Pb wa. Z

(pg. 10) 13 – 18 years O Grief stage may resurface. During “anger” stage teens may: cut, abuse substances, display promiscuity, reckless driving, high risk behavior, criminal acts. If they enter judicial system may not get out before adulthood. O Typically start rejecting parental involvement, visitation plans, chores, need assistance in developing new plans to keep parents involved (sports, work, dating).

(Pg. 11) Family Violence O Children are significantly effected by the behavior of parents. Negative behaviors like: name calling, threats, arguing, slamming things, cursing, throwing objects, hitting, pushing, breaking things and full out assaults cause PTSD symptoms in children. O Children need nurturing, caring, loving environments to fix brains after trauma. O All parenting should Provide, Protect, and Prepare their children.

3 Ps O 1. What is the most important thing your child needs from you? All these things will offer the three Ps O Provide O Protect O Prepare Please define these words. Every aspect of your parenting should support these goals always. O 2. What do children NOT need?

(pg. 12) Needs and Un-Necessaries O Need: love, support, role models, permission to love all parents, to be their age, truth, consequences, preparation, comfort during grief, time with both co-parents. O Don’t need: to be put in the middle of parental conflict, used for parental profit, asked to take sides, asked to choose living situations, hear (-) remarks about absent parent, be a substitute spouse, be a “scape goat”, forced to change to quickly, presents, expected to have a protector role in family.

(pg. 13) Financial Responsibilities O 1. Write down the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Money”. O 2. What are the needs children have that are met financially? O Unexpected expenses include: school supplies, field trips, fees, school photos, co-pay medical, gifts for child peers. O Parents should not use gifts or money to manipulate child to perceive love, superiority, or start support discussions/transactions with or around children. (No child money running!). Money is an adult conversation! Do not disclose any financial instability to child….

(pg. 14 -15) Co- or Parallel Parenting? O Voice https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=lb. TFZ 8 cv. Ho 4&list=PLI 9 ntr 5 X 3 t_Je. Lp 3 z 7 u. Mg. XKTFix. Pbwa. Z&index=1 O Parallel Parenting is used during high relational conflict, intense anger/hurt, long distance parenting, there are mental health issues, during an incarceration etc. O Co-Parenting is cooperative joint communication and problem solving, especially regarding health, education, religion, discipline and relational strategies. If unable to get along use Parallel Parenting until ready.

(pg. 14) Parallel Parenting O Each parent, parents on their own without frequent communication and cooperative decision-making. O Communication is child-focused, respectful, specific, and rarely in-person. Done by letter or “memo”, phone, e-mail, or through a hired professional. O Often utilized during early stages of separation or during high conflict/stress times.

(pg. 14) Co-Parenting O There is a 3 Ps agreement. O Warm, caring, nurturing parenting style. O Private adult conversations that are focused on the 3 Ps and are child-centered. O Child sees positive interactions between parents regularly. Finances and discipline issues are negotiated and agreed on for both households. Important child information is transmitted quickly. Adult relational boundaries are agreed on and followed.

(pg. 16) Parenting Styles O 1. What influences the way you bring up your children? O Conflict regarding differences in parenting style is more damaging than different approaches. High Demand O High standards, emphasis on achievement and goals according to parent, discipline by yelling, name calling, physical punishment O Child is often stress (adrenalin overload) is not well rounded in abilities, puts excellence above personal happiness and self-determination.

(pg. 17) Parenting Styles Authoritarian O Authoritarian – obedience demanded, criticism given, expectations of parental control. O Child may rebel, sneak around, fear authority, lack critical thinking skills. Permissive O No order or leadership, inconsistent, promotes independent choice, few rules/boundaries, do what you like and learn from natural consequences. Not offering care, love or security. O Child may be out of control behaviorally, confused, insecure, feel unprotected and unloved.

(pg. 18) Parenting Styles Authoritative Uninvolved O Offer guidance, positive O Unresponsive, active discipline and neglectful, parenting, personal disengaged. responsibility, open communication, respect, cooperation, choices and O Child will show anxiety, depression, consequences. O Child displays feel rejected, confidence, competence, abandoned, secure attachments, trust responsible for and respect, social and emotional intelligence rejection of parent.

(pg. 19) Discipline O 1. What is discipline? O 2. What are the benefits of having a child pick up their toys when they are done playing with them? O Parents need to discuss with each other what rules are being taught in each household and under each parental figure. O Does grandma wait for consequences to be handed out by parent etc. O Do punishments extend households?

(pg. 19) Discipline “Time Out” or “Time In” even better( for older than 1 yr). Natural Consequences – hot stove Logical consequences – TV rule broke=TV restricted Parents should discuss consequences the child experiences so they can make a link but not negotiate them. O Try not to ask “why? ” instead “what happened? ” O 1. Exercise develop a “natural consequence” scenario and a “logical consequence” scenario for behavior in video Lama video: https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=c 2 gl. Oppq. BRg&l ist=PL-I 9 ntr 5 X 3 t_Je. Lp 3 z 7 u. Mg. XKTFix. Pbwa. Z&index=7 O O

(pg. 20 -21) Age Appropriate Responsibilities O 1. Why are chores or household responsibilities good for children? O 2. Child running and jumping at Starbucks and spills milk, how do you react? O Children should be incorporated into daily routines as much as possible and given a chore once a task is mastered. Rotate chores among family members for good role modeling. O 3. What happens when a child is not given responsibilities and has chores done for them?

(pg. 22 -23) Self-Esteem & Resiliency O Chore responsibility contributes to self-worth beliefs. O Self-esteem is a combination of competence and confidence. It is earned through the mastery of a challenge and positive reward (verbal praise, hugs. ) O Children with high self-esteem are more resilient and are easily able to recover from hardships. Challenges do not seem as daunting to them. Without self-esteem and responsibility children have an independence deficit. https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=OJVDP 7 Faiq. I&in dex=9&list=PL-I 9 ntr 5 X 3 t_Je. Lp 3 z 7 u. Mg. XKTFix. Pbwa. Z

(pg. 24) Communication 1. What factors influence communication? Complete Exercise 2. What did you learn from the exercise? Communication should be child-focused considering the 3 Ps. O Avoid comments that provoke your co-parent. O Seek solution focused “win-win” situations through negotiation. Get professional help if this is too troubling. O E-mail, memos, and texting offer paper trail, AND can cause triggers as emotions are not clear. Keep them business like and solution focused. Allow for time to think about response. O O

(pg. 25) Successful Communication O Men and women communicate differently. Their O O O language centers are actually in different parts of the brain. Women=relational, Men=goal oriented. Identify main point and keep to the point. Stay positive and be sure non-verbal matches verbal communication. Avoid absolutes like “you always” or “you never” this is not truth and can trigger negative reactions. Stick to “I statements” I feel like this happens often” or “I feel like this does not happen enough. 1. Fill in blank: “You think I am incapable” instead “I feel like ______” Give and receive feedback for clarity.

(pg. 26) Listening Actively O 1. How would you define listening? O 2. What is hearing? O 3. What is more important the lecture or the listening?

(pg. 27) Adult Anger O “Holding on to anger is like taking poison (stress/adrenaline overdose), hoping the other guy dies”. The angry person is closer to death due to toxic build up in body. O 1. What is difference between responding and reacting to a challenge? O Practice strategies of self-control/(+)coping skills. Then respond instead of reacting. O Share some (+) coping strategies.

(pg. 28) Child/Youth Anger O When a child is angry stay with them and investigate. O Be non-judgmental and empathetic as you listen. O Resist becoming angry too. O Do not lecture or criticize instead problem solve. O Have child do something active when displaying strong feelings.

(pg. 29) Conflict “Triggers” O Identify triggers you and you child have from the list on pg. 29. O 1. Cellphone/electronic trigger. O Other common triggers: $, sports, dances, dating (parent/child), movie watching, risk taking, household rules, child pick up, emergencies, discipline. O Both homes do not have to be run exactly the same. Co-parents need to know differences of household boundaries, uphold their own boundaries while agreeing with the other home’s system in front of child.

(pg. 30 -31) Conflict Prevention O Use respectful and effective communication. O Do NOT argue in front of child or discuss concerns O O with child. Do NOT use child as messenger, spy, confident, or peacemaker. Use “I” statements rather than “You”. Someone give me an example of a “You” statement. Someone else change this statement into an “I” statement. 1. How can respectful communication or behavior avoid conflict? When faced with disclosure of complicated issues from co-parent a good response would be “How can I help” rather than giving an opinion.

(pg. 32 -33) Conflict Resolution O Parenting decisions are too important to NOT O O resolve. Can’t hide the reality or struggles of other parent. Everyone has struggles at some point. Most important thing is to be consistent with the child as much as possible. Do NOT make excuses for co-parent. Follow the plan and seek resolution to unresolvable complications through third party (GAL, Mediation, Counseling, Courts. ) You can be a great example for child and other parents.

(pg. 32 -33) Conflict Resolution O 1. When can conflict be positive or constructive? O Examine conflict = “Let’s look at this”. O Communication = “Let’s talk about this”. O Negotiation = “Let’s see how we can find common ground”.

(pg. 36) Unmarried Parents O Does anyone in the class have a co-parent that is not local? How do you and the child stay in touch? O Parallel parenting techniques are recommended for long distance parenting. All other aspects can be applied as needed so long as the relationship is positive between parents.

(pg. 35 -36 Never Married Parents O Paternity is necessary for courts to be able to make legal judgments. Once established it carries legal rights and responsibilities for both parents. The court can then establish support payments and visitation schedules. O See Pg. 35 -36 for more information

(pg. 37) Grandparents O Grandparents involved in co-parenting a child O O O O should: Follow co-parenting/parallel parenting recommendations Set clear household rules Have daily routine Help child create their own personal space Be involved in school Establish extracurricular activity schedule Stay up to date with technology Have a social support system and hobby for self

(pg. 38) New “Significant Others” O Please read over the section titles “Some Things To Keep In Mind” on pg. 38. O Parents are the first and most significant teachers and then all others. O “Significant others” can pose a threat and hardship to child. 3 P’s must be considered before introducing a “significant other”. O Common problems with introducing “significant others”: grieving unfinished still need to heal, poor decision regarding character due to lack of reflection regarding child bonds, person does not know independent self before entering new one setting relationship up for failure. Everyone changes and grows throughout life. Ending a relationship means getting to know self again.

(pg. 39) Stress Management O 1. Why is stress management important to co- parenting? O By practicing stress management parents become role models for children. O 2. What is a (-) stress release practice? O Stress management should be done daily because parenting is stressful at some point in the day. Developing a daily stress management time will allow the use of the exercise when stress arises. O End