Conflict Resolution In Marriage Learning Objective Understanding Marital
Conflict Resolution In Marriage
Learning Objective • • Understanding Marital Conflict Sources of Conflict What causes Marital Conflict Negative and Positive result of Conflict Dealing with Conflict Power of Choice Creating more Possibilities Conclusion
Olutayo Olushola My Rap Sheet § Information Technologist § Career Change Manager /Human Capital Development Consultant § Certified Faith based Counselor § NLP Master Practitioner § Therapist § Family Life Consultant § Behavioral Change Consultant § Founder, Family and Behavioral Change Centre (NGO) § Principal Consultant, Leading Factor Concept International
Introduction • Marital conflict is not just a difference of opinion. Rather, it is a series of events that have been poorly handled so as to deeply damage the marriage relationship. Marriage issues have festered to the point that stubbornness, pride, anger, hurt and bitterness prevent effective marriage communication. • They are open, hostile opposition occurring as a result of differing viewpoints that were not properly managed
Introduction • The root of almost all serious marital discord is selfishness on the part of one or both parties. Saving a marriage means rejecting selfishness, giving up pride, forgiving hurt and setting aside bitterness; these steps grow more difficult, so it’s best to avoid the downward spiral of marital conflict. • When marriage communication breaks down, feelings are hurt, emotions run high, and solutions seem out of reach. When marital conflict and children live in the same home, the damage is multiplied.
Introduction • Marriage is a call to servant hood. We must stoop to conquer in love. God has not called us to bondage Gal 5: 13, 1 John 4: 18, when you are not a success in your family life, it can be a threat to every other areas of your lives. You must be ready and willing to resolve all conflict and use it positively to strengthen your relationship and help you to become more matured as husband wife
Sources of Conflict is common to all marriages. 1. Money This cause of conflict represents a lot of stuff, namely control, power and trust. I have counseled many couples where one mate has misused their money and the broken trust is just as severe as in an affair. When there is a lot of it, the options are more. When it is tight, the options are short and the stress can be long.
Sources of Conflict 2. Kids Just a few of the sources of conflict that are kidrelated: • How to discipline them • How much to discipline them (“You want to ground them for how long? ? ? ”) • How to meet their request • Parents actually vying in competition for their kids’ approval.
Sources of Conflict 3 Sex Married couples argue with each other about many sex-related issues including frequency or sex outside of their marriage. Or for various reasons some couples just cannot function properly sexually, further stressing the marriage. Sex is a gift from our Lord for married couples. Unfortunately all too often this gift can become a source of stress and conflict.
Sources of Conflict 4. In-laws One of the most sensitive areas because it’s about family. (“That’s my mother you’re talking about!”) Leaving and cleaving is sometimes easier said than done. 5. Misunderstanding (Communication issue) This cause is often born from unclear communication. He thinks she’s meaning A, while she meant Z. Sometimes it is an honest mistake, but confusion and lack of clarity breed many an argument.
Sources of Conflict 6. Stern Talk Examples would be: • Sarcasm, manipulative behavior • Cheap shots fired at your spouse in public with a smile on your face. Your spouse does not see it as funny. Everyone awkwardly laughs with you but no one is comfortable. • Lack of respect • No kindness
Sources of Conflict 7. Working long hours Too much work-related travel Not making enough in current job. Always remember there is no work worth losing your family for
What causes Conflict Selfishness is the main cause of marriage conflict Another way of saying this is that marital issues occur when one party insists upon having his or her way. While everyone has personal preferences, demanding that one’s self interest prevails is a choice that always affects the marriage. Can any partnership succeed when one party gets his or her way all the time? Of course not. Amos 3: 3 If the marriage relationship is to succeed, then giving up self interest is something couples need to get used to. Eventually, sacrifice becomes a joy, not a chore.
What causes Conflict Our lack of appreciation for our differences: • Ethnic and Cultural background • Personality • Values • Model of the world
Understanding Your World: The past imposed on the present Respect other people’s model of the world
Negative Results of Conflict 1. Conflict sometimes causes us to dwell and magnify the faults and weaknesses in our spouse 2. Conflicts can cause or create division within a relationship 3. Conflict cause us to expend our energies on unproductive activities
Positive Results of Conflict 1. Conflict can lead to growth and maturity in a relationship if handled positively Prov. 27: 17 2. Conflict will always reveal the need for us to change Prov. 18: 15 3. Conflict help to become tolerance to opposing view Prov. 23: 12 -16
Ways People Try to Deal with Conflict 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Avoidance Yielding Compromise Win-Win Resolving
Dealing with marital Conflict • Don’t avoid conflicts by retreating from it , Don’t cover up, face it as soon as they come up • Don’t attempt to avoid conflict by circumventing the major issues and focusing on minor points • Identify the real issues of the conflicts and see how you can work your way through them to a satisfying resolution
Rules for Dealing Marital Conflict • Attack the problem and not the person, learn to separate issues from persons • Verbalize your feelings, but do not react with violence and abuse Eph. 4: 26 • Forgive instead of judging of condemning one another Eph. 4: 32 • Be committed to give more love than you want to take from your partner Act 20: 35 • Your love for your spouse must be genuine without pretence Rom. 12: 9 -21
People create their experience, you can create yours in your marriage
Choices • It is an act of choosing between two or more possibilities • Life is a matter of choices, some we regret, some we are proud of, some will haunt us forever…. We are what we chose to be. • Every choice we make has an end result • You are free to make your choices but you are not free to choose the consequences. • Everything in our lives is a reflection of a choice we once made, if we want different result we will need to make a different choice(s)
How to create more possibilities
Ask questions How is it a problem? What does it mean?
Pattern Interrupt Everything in our lives and marriage is a pattern that is recognised. If the pattern is not delivering we can choose another route and we will definitely get a different result
Conclusion Do not submit or believe the prediction that does not empower you, life is short don’t wait until you loose what you have before you appreciate it
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