Communication As studied by John Gottman Communication All

Communication As studied by John Gottman

Communication All Communication, whether verbal or nonverbal, are done through bids. l John Gottman has studied relational bids. l Verbal Bids n Nonverbal Bids n l Bids move a relationship – 3 types: Attack bids move a couple against one another. n Abandonment bids move a couple away from one another. n Love bids move a couple towards one another. n

Communication l Gottman estimated Positive Relationship Bids over 100 times and a Negative Relationship Bids 65 times during a 10 minute period. l Positive to Negative Bids in a Marriage Relationships: n Happy Marriage 5: 1 n Poor Marriage 0. 8: 1

Four “Deadly” Communication Problems l Criticism l Contempt l Defensiveness l Stonewalling

Criticism l You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism. l A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global — it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. plaint — it focuses on a specific behavior.

Contempt l Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eyerolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her.

Defensiveness You are likely to have innocent-victim thoughts during fights with your spouse. l The major emotion you probably feel then is fear, and you see your spouse as an attacking monster and yourself as put upon, unfairly accused, mistreated, unappreciated. When conversations become so negative, critical, and attacking, it should come as no surprise that you will defend yourself. l Although this is understandable, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. l

Stonewalling l. Although both husbands and wives can be stonewallers, this behavior is far more common among men. l. During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives all kinds of cues to the speaker that he’s paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, say something like “Yeah” or “Uh-huh. ”

The Solution: Love and Respect John Gottman said that there is “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love and Respect. These are the direct opposite of – and antidote for – contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage. ”