CoDependence And how to overcome it Definition The

Co-Dependence And how to overcome it

Definition • The word – codependency – has been around for approximately 40 years. The term originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, the term was later expanded to include pretty much anyone who had grown up in a dysfunctional home.

What is it? • • Codependency describes a type of relationship in which • The codependent person often chooses relationships in which the other person needs to be rescued, thereby making himself or herself indispensable. • • One partner defines his or her worth or goodness based on someone else “Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with the self. “ Co-dependency is a pathological or addictive relationship to people, behaviors or things. It is the fallacy of trying to manage internal feelings in the external environment. It inhibits the ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.

Where Does it Come From? • Developed as a Coping Mechanism • Dysfunctional family: one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain or shame that is ignored or denied.

More than Just Families with Addictions Adapted as a response to • • Substance Addiction Mental illness Chronic physical illness Anger and Hostility Hyper Critical Environment Physical or Emotional Neglect Any Kind of Abuse

Co-Dependency as an Addiction • While not recognized as a diagnosable illness in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM 5) (a professional reference used to make diagnoses), codependence generally refers to the way past events from childhood “unknowingly affect some of our attitudes, behaviours and feelings in the present, often with destructive consequences, ” according to the National Council on Codependence (https: //www. allceus. com/recoverycoach/) • The NHS also views co-dependency as an integral part of the treatment of addictions.

Co-Dependency as an Addiction • Tolerance • Need more of the same substance/activity • In a codependent relationship, as time passes, the codependent’s identity becomes increasingly defined by the relationship with the other person • Withdrawal • Not getting the substance, being around the person results in physical or psychological withdrawals • When apart from or unable to control the other person, the codependent experiences extreme anxiety and/or depression

Co-Dependency as an Addiction • Spending more time thinking about, engaging in or recovering from the behavior • Co-dependents are always hypervigilant to other peoples behavior, and obsessing about what they are or are not doing • Co-dependents spend large amounts of time rescuing or covering up for the other person “fixing it” • The codependent gets exhausted taking care of the other person, but cannot stop because they rely on the other person to tell them

Co-Dependency as an Addiction • Foregoing other interests in order to maintain the addiction • The relationship is the “drug” of choice in the codependents’ lives • Having that person in their life makes them feel “okay” or “whole” • The relationship takes the place of self-love

Co-Dependency as an Addiction • Continuing the addiction/relationship despite negative consequences • Emotional (depression, anxiety, anger, resentment) • Social (Loss of other friends) • Physical (stress-related physical issues) • Occupational (poor job performance)

Symptoms • • Care Taking Low Self Worth Repression Controlling Behaviors Denial Poor Boundaries Exaggerated Sense of Responsibility Fear of Being Alone

Addicts and Codependents • • Low self esteem Depression, anxiety Need to control Fear of abandonment Relationship comforts/numbs Relationship becomes the addict’s primary focus Minimizing, denying, blaming to protect the relationship Stinkin’ Thinkin’

What they learn… • • • It's not okay to talk about problems • • • Be strong, good, right, perfect Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation Make us proud beyond realistic expectations Don't be selfish Do as I say not as I do It's not okay to play or be playful Don't rock the boat

• • Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling. • • Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons • • Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want. Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. Experience significant aggression/resentment and negativity. Have difficulty making decisions. Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own. Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than. Have difficulty admitting a mistake. Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good. Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

• • • Believe people are incapable of self-care Try to convince others what to think or feel. Offer unsolicited advice and direction Become resentful when their help is rejected Lavish gifts, favors or sexual attention on those they want to influence. Demand that their needs be met by others. Use blame and shame to control. Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others. Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.

The Disconnected Brain • Limbic System- the primitive memory and emotion center. • The Prefrontal Cortex- the reasoning, evaluative center. • The Healing Space

The Upside • Never accepting responsibility • Being the Special One • Feeling needed • Being admired as a saint

The Down Side • Intimacy problems • Hyper vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger) • Physical illness related to stress • Broken Relationships

What a Cute Little Idol… Does it have a name? • Creator • Creation • Worship

Interventions • Identify the benefits and drawbacks to the relationship AND the benefits and drawbacks to being single • Remember that codependency, like other addictions is used to escape, distract or avoid pain. • Begin self-esteem work (There a myriad of books and worksheets available) • Until the person can provide self-validation, all relationships can potentially become codependent

Interventions • • • Therapy - Treatment may consist of individual therapy, group therapy and, eventually, couples and family therapy Twelve-step groups - Many advocates of the codependency theory view codependency as a type of addiction. Therefore, they maintain that codependents can overcome their symptoms with a 12 -step process similar to that used by Alcoholics Anonymous. Medication - If the person is confronting codependence issues as well as mental illness such as a depression or anxiety disorder, they might also see their primary care doctor or a psychiatrist. They can determine whether medication such as an antidepressant might help. Often those who take medication and attend therapy and 12 -step sessions find this combination to be the fastest and easiest way to get well.

Healing shame • • • The key to healing a “wounded self” is to change the distorted, negative perspectives and reactions to our human emotions that result from having grown up in a dysfunctional, emotionally repressive and spiritually hostile environment. Most therapists agree that part of this healing process must involve grief: Grieving for the pain that caused the codependence and for the difficulties you suffered is a • difficult but rewarding process. Learning to love yourself requires - acknowledging your shame, - disowning it, - grieving the emotional damage - you have sustained and - healing the emotional wounds.

Overcoming Co-dependency • • Self discovery, self awareness, • • Addressing the depression and anxiety • • Pulling away from care-taking behaviors, and being responsible for other’s moods, happiness or well being. Learning about and creating a network of healthy relationships Co-dependents Anonymous (Co. DA) (http: //www. coda-uk. org/) National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA) (http: //www. nacoa. org. uk/media/files/Introduction%20 to%20 Codependency. p df) • Education about the cycle of addiction

Handouts • A Self Assessment Codependency Test • Codependency Recovery Tips

What A Recovered Co-Dependent Looks Like Able to… • • • Identify his/her own needs and make a plan to meet those needs. Develop a sense of self-worth Learn and practice good self care. Set boundaries with love and respect. Stay Connected without enmeshment Learn about and create a network of healthy relationships Sit with the discomfort of being alone Assert his/her needs and desires Teach others how to respect him/her.

True Intimacy • True intimacy is when you are able to hold your own experience and feelings, allowing the other to hold their own experience and feelings with no fear or attempt of controlling, changing or judging the other.

References • • Stafford, D. and Hodgkinson, L. (1991) Codependency. How to break free and live your own life. Piatkus. Redstone, J. (2008). Working with clients with addictive behaviours. G 15. Information sheet. British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). http: //www. nacoa. org. uk/media/files/Introduction%20 to%20 Codependency. pdf http: //www. scmhforum. org. uk/documents/Morecambe_Bay_PCT/Mental%20 He alth%20 Resource%20 Pack%20 v 2. pdf https: //www. allceus. com/recoverycoach/ http: //psychcentral. com/lib/2007/what-is-codependence/ http: //addictionz. com/codependency-definition/