Chapter Eight Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

Chapter Eight Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

Love • • Exists in all cultures Exists in all ethnic groups Exists in all orientations Dual nature: – Feeling – Activity

Communication • Connects sexuality and intimacy • Sexual communication is tied to sexual satisfaction • Sexual communication is unique

Friendship and Love • Friendship is a strong foundation for strong love relationships • Difference between friends and lovers • Marriage

Love and Sexuality • Sexuality and love are intimately related in our culture • Our language connects love and sex • Sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship satisfaction • Level of intimacy and relationship duration are correlated with the decision to engage in sexual activity • Cultural environment and physical environment

Sex Outside of Committed Relationships • Young adult sex outside of marriage is now the norm • Values in America have shifted due to: – Contraception and abortion – Redefined gender roles – Alterations in demographics

Men, Women, Sex, and Love • Men separate sex and love more than women • Women value sex in the context of a relationship • Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual couples or gay men

Love Without Sex • Celibacy or asexuality • A purposeful choice rather than a sexual problem • 4% men and 14% women • Emphasis on friendship and other relationship qualities

Styles of Love: Lee • • • Eros: love of beauty Mania: obsessive love Ludus: playful love Storge: companionate love Agape: altruistic love Pragma: practical love

The Triangular Theory of Love • Theory developed by Robert Sternberg • Emphasizes the dynamic quality of love relationships Intimacy Passion Commitment

The Components of Love: Ten Signs of Intimacy • Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare • Feeling happiness with your partner • Holding your partner in high regard • Being able to count on your partner in time of need • Being able to understand each other

The Components of Love (cont. ) • Sharing yourself and your possessions with your partner • Receiving emotional support from your partner • Giving emotional support to your partner • Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things • Valuing partner’s presence in your life

Kinds of Love: Sternberg • Liking – Intimacy only • Infatuation – Passion only • Romantic Love – Intimacy and passion • Companionate Love – Intimacy and commitment • Fatuous Love – Passion and commitment • Consummate love – Intimacy, passion, and commitment • Empty love – Commitment only • Nonlove – Absence of all three

Infant-Caregiver Attachment • Bond depends on attachment object’s responsiveness • Infant happier in attachment object presence • Shares discoveries with attachment object. Coos, talks baby talk • Feeling of oneness with attachment object Romantic love • Feelings are related to lover’s interest • Happier when lover is present • Shares experiences with lover • Lovers coo, talk baby talk • Feeling of oneness with lover

Components of Attachment • Attachment style endures across ones life • Depends upon security and safety • Open acceptance and honesty

Types of Attachment • Secure attachments – Find it relatively easy to get close to other people • Anxious/ambivalent attachment – Believe that other people didn’t get as close as they themselves wanted • Avoidant attachments – Feel discomfort being close to other people

Unrequited Love • Love is not returned • Causes distress to all involved • Perspectives differ between the people who offer love and those who do not reciprocate

Jealousy • Jealousy does not prove the existence of love • Jealousy is painful • Jealousy can destroy or cement a relationship • Jealously is linked to violence

Jealousy • Aversive response to a real or imagined involvement with a third person • Absence may indicate relationship problems • Occurs where there are commitments in a relationship • Men and women differ in reported attempts to make their partner jealous

Managing Jealousy • Dealing with irrational suspicions can be difficult • Can work on underlying causes of our insecurity • If jealousy is well-founded, relationship may need to be modified or ended • Jealousy can be the catalyst for change

Extramarital Sex • Exists in dating, cohabiting, and marital relationships • Extramarital sex in exclusive marriages is related to three factors: – Stronger sexual interests – More permissive sexual values – Greater sexual opportunities – Weaker marital relationships

Making Love Last: From Passion to Intimacy • Intimate love: Each person knows they can count on the other • Commitment: Based on conscious choices rather than transitory feelings • Caring: Involves making another person’s needs as important as your own • Self-disclosure: Revealing ourselves—our hopes, our fears, our thoughts to deepen understanding and intimacy

The Nature of Communication • Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures, movements • Goal of establishing human contact, exchanging information, and reinforcing or changing attitudes and behaviors

Contexts of Communication • Cultural context – the language, values, beliefs, and customs in which communication takes place • Social context – the roles we play in society • Psychological context – how people communicate based on their personalities

Nonverbal Communication • The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal communication is important – Most of our “feeling” communication is nonverbal • 3 important factors: – Proximity: nearness in physical space – Eye contact: a symbol of interest – Touching: signals intimacy, closeness

Sexual Communication • Interpersonal sexual scripts provide “instructions” on how to behave sexually – In beginning relationships • Halo effect • Interest and opening lines • In some cases: establishing sexual orientation • First move and beyond • Directing sexual activity

Sexual Communication (Cont. ) • In established relationships – initiating sexual activity • For heterosexuals: men typically initiate more often • In same-sex relationships: typically the more emotionally expressive partner initiates

Gender Differences in Partner Communication • Women send clearer messages to their partners than do men • Men more than women tend to send negative messages or withdraw • Women tend to set the emotional tone of an argument • Women tend to use more qualifiers in their style of speaking

Developing Communication Skills • • • Talking about sex Keys to good communication Self disclosure Trust Feedback

Conflict and Intimacy • Conflict is natural in intimate relationships • A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a relationship • Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in which it is handled that can hurt or help

Conflicts about Sex • Can result from a disagreement about sex • Can be used as a “scapegoat” for nonsexual problems • Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as inadequacy

Conflict Resolution • The way couples deal with conflict reflects and contributes to their happiness • Negotiating conflicts • Bargaining • Coexistence