Chapter 9 Friendship and Love 2015 Cengage Learning

Chapter 9 Friendship and Love © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

The Ingredients of Close Relationships LEARNING OBJECTIVES • Describe typical characteristics of close relationships. • Explain the paradox of close relationships. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Perspectives on Close Relationships • The Ingredients of close relationships – Close relationships – “are those that are important, interdependent, and long lasting. " – They come in many forms, including: o Family relationships o Friendships o Work relationships o Romantic relationships o Marriage © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Perspectives, continued • Close relationships arouse intense feelings that are both – Positive (passion, concern, caring) and – Negative (rage, jealousy, despair) • This is referred to as the paradox of close relationships. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Relationship Development LEARNING OBJECTIVES • Discuss the roles of proximity, familiarity, and physical attraction in initial attraction. • Understand the roles of reciprocal liking and similarity in getting acquainted. • Outline some commonly used relationship maintenance strategies, and explain what is meant by “minding” relationships. • Summarize interdependence theory and explain how rewards, costs, and investments influence relationship satisfaction and commitment. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued Initial encounters • Three factors underlie initial attraction between strangers: 1. Proximity – we are more likely to become involved with people we are geographically, or spatially, close to. 2. Familiarity – the mere exposure effect states that positive feelings toward a person are increased the more often we see them. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued 3. Physical attractiveness – This factor plays a key role in face-to-face romantic relationships as well as friendships. – However, cross-cultural research suggests it is not the most important factor, for both males and females. o Kindness and intelligence were ranked higher for both genders. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued • What makes someone attractive? – Facial features o For women: “baby-faced” features, (large eyes, small nose), combined with “mature” features (prominent cheekbones) o For men: a strong jaw and broad forehead – Physique o For women: average weight, an “hourglass” figure, and medium-sized breasts o For men: broad shoulders and a slim waist – Expressive traits (large smile, high set eyebrows) are seen as attractive because they suggest friendliness – Grooming qualities are also desirable, including cosmetic enhancements (see Figure 9. 2) © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Source: Retrieved from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (2011), www. surgery. org/media/statistics.

Attraction and Development, continued What makes people attractive, continued – Matching up on looks o The matching hypothesis – “proposes that people of similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate toward each other. ” © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued What makes people attractive, continued – Attractiveness and resource exchange • In contrast, the resource exchange is an evolution-based theory proposing that “in heterosexual dating, males ‘trade’ occupational status for physical attractiveness in females. " © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and development, continued Resource Exchange theory, continued • David Buss (1988) believes mating patterns depend on what each sex has to invest in terms of survival. – For men, reproductive opportunities are the most important, so they show more interest in sexual activity and physical attractiveness. – Parental investment theory (see Figure 9. 3) states women choose mates that will supply resources needed to support offspring for many years. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued Getting acquainted • Two factors affect viability of relationships: 1. Reciprocal liking – “refers to liking those who show that they like you” 2. Similarity – we are drawn to those with similar qualities o This is true in friendships and romantic relationships, regardless of sexual orientation. Ø Similar attitudes play a key role © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued Established relationships • Maintenance of ongoing relationships – Relationship maintenance – involves “the actions and activities used to sustain the desired quality of a relationship” (see Figure 9. 4). © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Adapted from Canary & Stafford, 1994

Attraction and Development, continued • Established relationships, continued – The process of minding relationships is an active process that involves • Using good listening skills • Knowing your partner’s opinions • Making positive attributions about your partner’s behavior – Expressing feelings of trust and commitment – Recognizing your partner’s support and effort – Being optimistic about the future of the relationship © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued Relationship satisfaction and commitment • What determines whether you will stay in the relationship or get out? – Interdependence or social exchange theory states that the decision is based on a “cost-benefit” analysis of the relationship’s outcome. If the rewards outweigh the costs, we stay. – Commitment is determined by two factors: 1. Relationship satisfaction is gauged by our comparison level – or “personal standard of what constitutes an acceptable balance of rewards and costs” o It is based on outcomes experienced in one’s own and others’ previous relationships © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Attraction and Development, continued Interdependence theory, continued 2. The investments, or “things that people contribute to a relationship that they can’t get back if the relationship ends. " – Thus, putting investments into a relationship strengthens our commitment to it (see Figure 9. 5). © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Friendship LEARNING OBJECTIVES • Summarize the research on what makes a good friend. • Describe some key gender and sexual orientation differences in friendships. • Explain the friendship repair ritual as a way of dealing with conflict in friendships. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Friendship, continued What makes a good friend? • Many factors are important, but a common theme is that good friends provide emotional and social support. Gender and sexual orientation issues • Women’s friendships are more emotionally-based; men’s are more activity-based. • Women discuss relationships and feelings; men discuss work, sports, and other activities. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Friendship, continued • In other countries, men have more intimate relationships, but this is not true in America: – Men are socialized to be self-sufficient, which limits self-disclosure – Fear of homosexuality is a concern – Men see each other as competitors • Boundaries between friendship and love relationships are more complex in gay relationships. • Lesbians and gay men are more likely to maintain social contact with former sex partners. • There is also less support from families and society. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Friendship, continued Conflict in friendships • The 3 steps of repair after conflict in friendship: 1. Reproach – the offended party confronts the offender and asks for an explanation. 2. Remedy - the offender takes responsibility and offers an apology. 3. Acknowledgement – the offended party accepts the apology and the friendship continues. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love LEARNING OBJECTIVES • Clarify the research findings on the experience of love in gay and straight couples, and identify some gender differences regarding love. • Compare Sternberg’s triangular theory of love with theory of adult attachment styles. • Discuss the course of romantic love over time, including what couples go through as they dissolve a relationship. • Explain why relationships fail and what couples can do to help relationships last. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued Sexual orientation and love • Sexual orientation – “refers to a person’s preference for emotional and sexual relationships with individuals of the same gender, the other gender, or either gender. " • Most studies of romantic love suffer from heterosexism, “or the assumption that all individuals and relationships are heterosexual. " • Thus, less is known about homosexual relationships. • However, homosexual romance and relationships seem to be basically the same as those of heterosexuals. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued Gender differences • Counter to stereotype, men are actually more romantic than women and fall in love more easily than do women. • Women are also more selective when choosing a partner, a tendency that supports the “parental investment theory” of attraction. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued Theories of love • Sternberg’s triangular theory of love states that all loving relationships are comprised of some combination of three components: 1. Intimacy – warmth, closeness, and sharing 2. Passion – intense feelings (both positive and negative), including sexual desire 3. Commitment – “the decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arise” – Eight types of relationships can result from the presence, or absence, of each of the three components. – The ultimate type of love is consummate love, in which each of the three components is present (see Figure 9. 7). © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Source: From Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119 -135. Copyright © 1986 by the American Psychological Association. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Romantic Love, continued Romantic love as attachment • Hazen and Shaver (1987) draw a connection between attachment patterns early in life and three adult attachment types. 1. Secure adults (55% of participants) 2. Avoidant adults (25% of participants) 3. Anxious-ambivalent adults (20% of participants) © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued Romantic love as attachment, continued • Bartholomew and Horowitz’s (1991) model of adult attachment styles is based on two factors: 1. Attachment anxiety, or “how much a person worries that a partner will not be available when needed”, and 2. Attachment avoidant – “the degree to which a person distrusts a partner’s good will and their tendencies to maintain emotional and behavioral distance from a partner. " • See Figure 9. 9 for the four styles this yields. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

(Adapted from Brennan, Clark, & Shaver, 1998; Fraley & Shaver, 2000)

Romantic Love, continued Correlates of attachment styles • Securely attached people have more committed, satisfying, interdependent, and well-adjusted relationships. • Securely attached people seek and provide support when under stress. • Securely attached people have better mental health. • Stability of attachment styles – Longitudinal studies show moderate stability over the first 19 years of life and later in adulthood. – However, attachment styles can be altered by life events (both in a positive and negative direction). © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued The course of romantic of love • Sternberg’s theory predicts that the strength of each of the three components of love varies across time (see Figure 9. 10). – Passion peaks early in a relationship and then decreases in intensity. – However, both intimacy and commitment increase as time progresses. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued The course of romantic of love, continued Why relationships end: 1. Premature commitment 2. Ineffective communication and conflict management skills 3. Becoming bored with the relationship 4. Availability of a more attractive relationship 5. Low levels of satisfaction © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Romantic Love, continued The course of romantic of love, continued Helping relationships last: 1. Take plenty of time to get to know the other person before making a long-term commitment. 2. Emphasize the positive qualities in your partner and relationship. 3. Develop effective conflict management skills. 4. Find ways to bring novelty to long-term relationships. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

The Internet and Relationships LEARNING OBJECTIVES • Clarify how differences between Internet and faceto-face interactions affect relationship development. • Describe the pros and cons of building intimacy online. • Discuss the role of the Internet in face-to-face interactions. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

The Internet and Relationships, continued Developing close relationships online. • Online venues offer an attractive communication platform for individuals who might not otherwise comfortably interact face-to-face. – Internet groups can offer support for stigmatized individuals. – Internet groups can provide support for shy individuals. – Among people using online dating sites, the majority (52%) report positive experiences. – Similarity of interests and values are more important. – Enhanced self-disclosure through emails and instant messaging increases feelings of closeness. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

The Internet and Relationships, continued Building Online Intimacy. • Research suggests that virtual relationships can be just as intimate as face-to-face ones, or even closer (Bargh, Mc. Kenna, & Fitzsimons, 2002). • However, problems include: – People misrepresenting themselves online (e. g. , regarding income, age, height or weight). – People post profiles that reflect their “ideal”, rather than their “actual” selves. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

The Internet and Relationships, continued Moving Beyond Online Relationships. • Research shows that virtual relationships are just as stable as traditional ones. • While online communication is linked with closeness with existing friendships. • However, it is negatively associated with bestfriendships and excessive use can foster loneliness. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness LEARNING OBJECTIVES • Describe loneliness, and discuss its prevalence. • Explain how early experiences and current social trends contribute to loneliness. • Understand how shyness, poor social skills, and self -defeating attributions contribute to loneliness. • Summarize the suggestions for conquering loneliness. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued The nature and prevalence of loneliness • Loneliness – “occurs when a person has fewer interpersonal relationships than desired, or when these relationships are not as satisfying as desired. " • Transient loneliness – temporary loneliness after experiencing a disruption in one’s social network. • Chronic loneliness – ongoing loneliness affecting those unable to establish relationships. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued The nature and prevalence of loneliness, continued Loneliness is most prevalent among: • The young (especially homosexual teens) • Single, divorced, and widowed adults • The elderly • Individuals whose parents have divorced © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued The roots of loneliness • Early experiences – inappropriate behavior (aggressiveness, aloofness, competitiveness, or overdependence) in children can lead to rejection by peers. • Social trends – busy schedules and time spent watching television and using computers in our homes decreases potential interaction with others. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued Correlates of loneliness • Shyness – “discomfort, inhibition, and excessive caution in interpersonal relations” • Shy people tend to: 1. Be timid in expressing themselves 2. Be overly self-conscious about how others are reacting to them 3. Embarrass easily 4. Experience physiological symptoms of anxiety © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued • Poor social skills – Lonely people tend to: • Evaluate others negatively • Show lower responsiveness to their conversational partners • Disclose less about themselves • Self-defeating attributional style – especially thinking negatively about social situations can cause people to behave in ways that confirm their negative expectations. • Lonely people also engage in more negative self-talk and foster ideas that perpetuate loneliness (see Figure 9. 15). © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.

Source: From a paper presented at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association, 9/2/79. An expanded version of this paper appears in G. Emery, S. D. Hollan, & R. C. Bedrosian (Eds. ) (1981). New directions in cognitive therapy. New York: Guilford Press and in L. A. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds. ) (1982). Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy. New York: Wiley. Copyright © 1982 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and Jeffrey Young.

Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued Conquering loneliness • Chronic loneliness is associated with a variety of mental and physical health problems. • Fortunately, loneliness can be overcome by trying the following: – Use the Internet to alleviate anxiety created by face-to-face interactions. – Avoid the temptation to withdraw from social situations. • Break out of the habit of the self-defeating attributional style. • Cultivate your social skills. • Consider seeking help from a counselor. © 2015 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved.