Chapter 6 Love and Choosing a Life Partner

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Chapter 6 Love and Choosing a Life Partner

Chapter 6 Love and Choosing a Life Partner

Chapter Outline § § § § § Love and Commitment Facts about Families: Six

Chapter Outline § § § § § Love and Commitment Facts about Families: Six Love Styles Mate Selection and Relationship Stability The Marriage Market My Family: An Asian Indian American Student’s Essay on Arranged Marriages Homogamy: Narrowing the Pool of Eligibles Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment Issues for Thought: Date or Acquaintance Race As We Make Choices: Harmonious Needs in Mate Selection Cohabitation and Marital Quality and Stability

Love and Commitment § § Love is viewed as the primary reason for getting

Love and Commitment § § Love is viewed as the primary reason for getting and staying married. Loving involves the acceptance of partners for themselves. Loving requires empathy and commitment. Commitment is characterized by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts as opposed to calling it quits when problems arise; it involves consciously investing in the relationship.

Love Marriages between individuals with a relatively secure attachment style that take place about

Love Marriages between individuals with a relatively secure attachment style that take place about age twenty-five and are between partners who grew up intact families are the most likely to be satisfying and stable.

Commitment § § § Committed lovers have fun together; they also share tedious times.

Commitment § § § Committed lovers have fun together; they also share tedious times. They express themselves freely. They do not see problems as indications that their relationship is over. They work to maintain their relationship. Commitment is characterized by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components of love: 1. Intimacy – close, connected

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components of love: 1. Intimacy – close, connected feelings. 2. Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. 3. Commitment – the decision to love someone and maintain that love.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love § Three components develop at different times: § Passion

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love § Three components develop at different times: § Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade. § Intimacy develops more slowly. § Commitment develops gradually.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love § Consummate Love § Composed of all three components,

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love § Consummate Love § Composed of all three components, is “complete love, …a kind of love toward which many of us strive, especially in romantic relationships”

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Eros § Characterized by intense emotional

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Eros § Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires. Storge § An affectionate, companionate style of loving focused on deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship, and common goals.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Pragma § Involves rational assessment of

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Pragma § Involves rational assessment of a potential partner’s assets and liabilities. Agape § Emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved’s needs even when that requires personal sacrifice.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Ludus § Emphasizes enjoying many sexual

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Ludus § Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship. Mania § Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable.

Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships § § § A secure attachment style is associated

Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships § § § A secure attachment style is associated with better prospects for a committed relationship. An insecure/anxious attachment style entails “fear of abandonment” with possible consequences such as jealousy or trying to control one’s partner. An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass up or shun closeness or intimacy.

Three Things Love Isn’t 1. 2. 3. Martyring Manipulating Limerance

Three Things Love Isn’t 1. 2. 3. Martyring Manipulating Limerance

Love Isn’t Martyring Martyrs may: § Be reluctant to suggest what they want. §

Love Isn’t Martyring Martyrs may: § Be reluctant to suggest what they want. § Allow others to be constantly late and never protest. § Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own. § Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own.

Love Isn’t Manipulation Manipulators may: § Ask others to do something that they could

Love Isn’t Manipulation Manipulators may: § Ask others to do something that they could do. § Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose. § Be consistently late. § Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.

Love Isn’t Limerance § § § People in limerence fantasize about being with the

Love Isn’t Limerance § § § People in limerence fantasize about being with the limerent object in all kinds of situations. Limerence is characterized by little, if any, concern for the well-being of the limerent object. Limerence can turn into genuine love, but more often than not, it doesn’t.

Model of Relationship Outcomes

Model of Relationship Outcomes

Mate Selection and Marital Stability § § § Positive attitudes about the relationship, coupled

Mate Selection and Marital Stability § § § Positive attitudes about the relationship, coupled with realistically positive assessments of a spouse’s personality traits, are important to marital stability. Supportive interaction results in greater marital satisfaction. Greater marital satisfaction, in turn, results in the greater likelihood of marital stability (staying married).

Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce Risk § § A divorced parental family transmits to its

Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce Risk § § A divorced parental family transmits to its children a heightened risk of getting divorced. However, not all children of divorced parents will themselves divorce.

Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce Risk § Children of divorce are themselves more likely to

Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce Risk § Children of divorce are themselves more likely to get divorced because they have: § § § More, and more serious, personality problems. Neither been exposed to nor learned supportive communication or problemsolving skills. More accepting attitudes towards divorce.

Minimizing Mate Selection Risk § Letting go of misconceptions we may have about love

Minimizing Mate Selection Risk § Letting go of misconceptions we may have about love and choosing a partner § Selecting a partner wisely involves balancing any insistence on perfection against the need to be mindful of one’s real needs and desires. Working things out requires both partners’ willingness and ability to do so. §

The Marriage Market § Individuals enter the market armed with resources—personal and social characteristics—and

The Marriage Market § Individuals enter the market armed with resources—personal and social characteristics—and then bargain for the best “buy” that they can get.

Arranged Marriages § § § Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of Europe,

Arranged Marriages § § § Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of Europe, Asia, and Africa. Couples in arranged marriages are expected to develop a loving relationship after the marriage. A study that compared marital satisfaction among arranged marriages in India to those more freely chosen in the United States found no differences in marital satisfaction between the two groups.

My Family: An Asian Indian American Student’s Essay on Arranged Marriages § § §

My Family: An Asian Indian American Student’s Essay on Arranged Marriages § § § What are some advantages of arranged marriage? Some disadvantages? In what ways might personal choice be involved in arranged marriages today?

Free-choice Culture § The United States is an example of a freechoice culture: §

Free-choice Culture § The United States is an example of a freechoice culture: § People choose their own mates, although typically they seek parents’ and other family members’ support for their decision.

Arranged Marriage § In arranged marriages, families and community do the bargaining, based on

Arranged Marriage § In arranged marriages, families and community do the bargaining, based on assets such as status, possessions, and dowry.

Free-Choice Marriage § In freely chosen marriages, the individuals perform a more subtle form

Free-Choice Marriage § In freely chosen marriages, the individuals perform a more subtle form of bargaining, weighing the costs and benefits of personal characteristics, economic status, and education.

Social Exchange § § § Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or

Social Exchange § § § Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or least costly. In romantic relationships individuals have resources: beauty, personality, status, skills, maturity, intellect, originality, etc. Individuals also have costly attributes: being demanding, low status, geographic inaccessibility, etc.

The Traditional Exchange § § Women trade their ability to bear children and perform

The Traditional Exchange § § Women trade their ability to bear children and perform domestic duties, along with sexual accessibility and attractiveness, for a man’s protection, status, and support. Both women and men can experience gender related disadvantages in the traditional exchange.

Bargaining in a Changing Society § § § Research that looked at mate preferences

Bargaining in a Changing Society § § § Research that looked at mate preferences in the United States over the past sixty years showed that men and women have increased the importance that they put on potential financial success in a mate, while domestic skills in a future wife have declined in importance. One study indicates that, for today’s young man, a woman’s high socioeconomic status increases her sexiness. Today both men and women are likely to want a spouse with more education or who earns more than they do

Assortative Mating—A Filtering Process § § Individuals gradually filter those whom they think would

Assortative Mating—A Filtering Process § § Individuals gradually filter those whom they think would not make the best spouse. Research has shown that people are willing to date a wider range of individuals than they would live with or become engaged to, and they are willing to live with a wider range of people than they would marry.

Homogamy: Narrowing the Pool of Eligibles § People tend to marry people of similar

Homogamy: Narrowing the Pool of Eligibles § People tend to marry people of similar race, age, education, religious background, and social class. § Endogamy: marrying within one’s social group. § Exogamy: marrying outside one’s group. § Heterogamy, marrying someone dissimilar in race, age, education, religion, or social class.

Pool of Eligibles § A group of individuals who, by background or birth, are

Pool of Eligibles § A group of individuals who, by background or birth, are considered most likely to make compatible marriage partners.

Homogamy § § These Hmong immigrants in St. Paul, Minnesota, are celebrating the Hmong

Homogamy § § These Hmong immigrants in St. Paul, Minnesota, are celebrating the Hmong New Year, which also serves as a courting ritual. Because virtually all participants are Hmong, the ritual helps to ensure racial/ethnic homogamy.

Reasons for Homogamy § § Geographic availability: (propinquity or proximity) geographic segregation, which can

Reasons for Homogamy § § Geographic availability: (propinquity or proximity) geographic segregation, which can result from either discrimination or strong community ties, contributes to homogamous marriages Social pressure: cultural values encourage marrying someone who is socially similar to ourselves

Heterogamy: Interfaith Marriages in the U. S. § § § Between 30 -40% of

Heterogamy: Interfaith Marriages in the U. S. § § § Between 30 -40% of Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, Muslim, and a higher percentage of Protestant adults and children live in interfaith or interdenominational households One study found strong religious beliefs are associated with less couple conflict. Shared religiosity gave them a commitment to permanence, coupled with a willingness to forgive the spouse when conflicts emerged.

Heterogamy: Interracial/Interethnic Marriages in the U. S. § § § Interracial marriages include unions

Heterogamy: Interracial/Interethnic Marriages in the U. S. § § § Interracial marriages include unions between partners of the white, black, Asian, or Native American races with a spouse outside their own race. Unions between Hispanics and others, as well as between Asian/Pacific Islander or Hispanic ethnic groups are interethnic marriages. In June 1967, the U. S. Supreme Court declared that interracial marriages are legally valid in all states.

Interracial and Hispanic/non. Hispanic Married Couples, 2008

Interracial and Hispanic/non. Hispanic Married Couples, 2008

Interracial/Interethnic Heterogamy and Marital Stability § § § Two factors to measure marital success:

Interracial/Interethnic Heterogamy and Marital Stability § § § Two factors to measure marital success: 1. Stability — whether or how long the union lasts 2. The happiness of the partners Some unhappy spouses remain married and some separate. Social scientists find that marriages that are homogamous in age, education, religion, and race are the most stable.

Interracial/Interethnic Heterogamy and Human Values § § § One study found higher relationship satisfaction

Interracial/Interethnic Heterogamy and Human Values § § § One study found higher relationship satisfaction compared to same-race couples. Regardless of differences in race or ethnicity, common values and lifestyles contribute to relationship stability. Polls show Americans becoming less disapproving of interracial dating and marriage.

Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment § What first brings people together? §

Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment § What first brings people together? § What keeps them together?

Meandering Toward Marriage and First Meetings § § Young people today “meander toward marriage,

Meandering Toward Marriage and First Meetings § § Young people today “meander toward marriage, ” feeling that they’ll be ready to marry when they reach their late twenties or so. Young adults express need to explore as many options as possible before settling down.

First Meetings § § § Physical attractiveness increased as a value over the past

First Meetings § § § Physical attractiveness increased as a value over the past century and is especially important upon first meeting and in the early stages of a relationship. Majority of couples meet for the first time in face-to-face encounters. Internet relationships progress through “an inverted developmental sequence. ”

Issues for Thought: Date or Acquaintance Rape § § § What can you do

Issues for Thought: Date or Acquaintance Rape § § § What can you do to help prevent date rape? What should you do if you or a friend is raped by an acquaintance? What would or should you do if a friend or acquaintance of yours was known to be the perpetrator of a date or acquaintance rape?

The Wheel of Love § Four stages of love § Rapport – rests on

The Wheel of Love § Four stages of love § Rapport – rests on mutual trust and respect § Self-revelation – sharing intimate information § Mutual dependency – developing interdependence § Needs fulfillment – developing emotional exchange and support

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the Development of Love

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the Development of Love

Harmonious Needs in Mate Selection § Prominent sociologist Pepper Schwartz suggests the following three

Harmonious Needs in Mate Selection § Prominent sociologist Pepper Schwartz suggests the following three areas in which couples’ needs should be similar for a happy, long-term match: 1. Personal Energy 2. Outlook 3. Predictability

Dating Violence — A Serious Sign of Trouble § § § Dating violence typically

Dating Violence — A Serious Sign of Trouble § § § Dating violence typically begins with verbal or psychological abuse and tends to occur over jealousy, with a refusal of sex, after illegal drug use or excessive drinking, or upon disagreement about drinking behavior. A recent study of 28 female undergraduates in abusive dating relationships found that some of these women felt “stuck” with their partner. A majority had assumed a “caretaker identity, ” similar to martyring.

Indicators of Dating Violence 1. Handles ordinary disagreements with inappropriate anger or rage 2.

Indicators of Dating Violence 1. Handles ordinary disagreements with inappropriate anger or rage 2. Struggles to regain self-control when a minor issue triggers anger 3. Goes into tirades

Indicators of Dating Violence 4. Quick to criticize or verbally mean 5. Unduly jealous,

Indicators of Dating Violence 4. Quick to criticize or verbally mean 5. Unduly jealous, restricting and controlling 6. History of violence in previous relationships

Breaking Up § § According to the exchange perspective, couples choose to stay committed

Breaking Up § § According to the exchange perspective, couples choose to stay committed or to break up by weighing the rewards of their relationship against its costs. When costs outweigh rewards, when there are desirable alternatives, when one’s relationship does not match one’s ideal, when little has been invested and when there are fewer barriers to breaking up, couples are more likely to do so.

Cohabitation and Marital Quality and Stability § § § At least half of today’s

Cohabitation and Marital Quality and Stability § § § At least half of today’s married couples ages 18 -49 lived together before their wedding. Research shows that marriages preceded by more than one instance of cohabitation are more likely to end in separation or divorce. One study shows that these findings apply to non-Hispanic whites but not to African Americans or Mexican Americans, for whom cohabiting may be a more normative lifecourse event.

Experience Hypothesis § § Posits that cohabiting experiences themselves affect individuals so that, once

Experience Hypothesis § § Posits that cohabiting experiences themselves affect individuals so that, once married, they are more likely to divorce. Serial cohabitation may adversely affect subsequent marital quality and stability because “‘successful’ cohabitation demonstrates that reasonable alternatives to marriage exist. ”

Selection Hypothesis § § § Assumes that individuals who choose serial cohabitation are different

Selection Hypothesis § § § Assumes that individuals who choose serial cohabitation are different from those who do not; these differences translate into higher divorce rates. One study found that people who cohabit have less-effective problem solving and communication skills. Those who choose serial cohabitation may have negative attitudes about marriage and accepting attitudes toward divorce.

Quick Quiz

Quick Quiz

1. The text characterizes commitment by a) a willingness to work through problems and

1. The text characterizes commitment by a) a willingness to work through problems and conflicts. b) feeling as though one cannot live without another. c) putting other ahead of oneself. d) all of the above.

Answer: a The text characterizes commitment by a willingness to work through problems and

Answer: a The text characterizes commitment by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts.

2. _____ may ask others to do things for them that they could do

2. _____ may ask others to do things for them that they could do for themselves, and generally expect to be waited on. a) Martyrs b) Narcissists c) Manipulators d) Ludic lovers

Answer: c § Manipulators may ask others to do things for them that they

Answer: c § Manipulators may ask others to do things for them that they could do for themselves, and generally expect to be waited on.

3. A(n) _____ attachment style would likely be evidenced in partners engaged in an

3. A(n) _____ attachment style would likely be evidenced in partners engaged in an A-frame or dependent relationship. a) secure b) insecure/anxious c) avoidant d) intimate

Answer: b § An insecure/anxious attachment style would likely be evidenced in partners engaged

Answer: b § An insecure/anxious attachment style would likely be evidenced in partners engaged in an A-frame or dependent relationship.

4. “Rapport, ” “self-revelation, ” “mutual dependency, ” and “personality need fulfillment” are the

4. “Rapport, ” “self-revelation, ” “mutual dependency, ” and “personality need fulfillment” are the four stages in Ira Reiss’s _____ theory of love. a) triangular b) love-style c) framework d) wheel

Answer: d § Rapport, ” “self-revelation, ” “mutual dependency, ” and “personality need fulfillment”

Answer: d § Rapport, ” “self-revelation, ” “mutual dependency, ” and “personality need fulfillment” are the four stages in Ira Reiss’s wheel theory of love.

5. The wheel theory of love suggests that once people fall in love, they

5. The wheel theory of love suggests that once people fall in love, they a) will stay in love. b) may not necessarily stay in love. c) will inevitably “fall out of love. ” d) will eventually experience a reduction in love.

Answer: b § The wheel theory of love suggests that once people fall in

Answer: b § The wheel theory of love suggests that once people fall in love, they may not necessarily stay in love.