Chapter 5 Love and Choosing a Life Partner

Chapter 5 Love and Choosing a Life Partner (Some slides are supplements from other sources. ) © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Segue between Chapter 4 (Sexuality) and Chapter 5 (Love, Dating, Life-partner) § § Economics of Sex: Original video § https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=c. O 1 if. Na. NABY Critiques of the Economics of Sex (counterpoints) (There are some candid references and language in a few places in 2 nd video. ) § https: //www. youtube. com/watch? v=9 Eb. DGDF_i. UA § http: //www. businessinsider. com/economics-of-sex-videodebunked-2014 -2 Discussion: § Agree, disagree, some of both? § Other points neither video raised? How does this influence

Love Marriages between individuals with a relatively secure attachment style that take place around age 25 and are between partners who grew up in intact families are the most likely to be satisfying and stable. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Gender Differences in Love § § § Though love is thought to be the domain of women, recent research suggests that some boys are becoming less focused on casual sex and more on romance. Women are more resilient when it comes to love and breakups. Despite gendered expectations, love is important and meaningful to men. “Romantic rituals” are often required of men. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components of love: 1. Intimacy – close, connected feelings. 2. Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. 3. Commitment – the decision to love someone and maintain that love. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love § The three components develop at different times: § Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade. § Intimacy develops more slowly. § Commitment develops more gradually still. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships § § § A secure attachment style is associated with better prospects for a committed relationship. An insecure/anxious attachment style entails “fear of abandonment” with possible consequences such as jealousy or trying to control one’s partner. An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass up or shun closeness or intimacy. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Eros § Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires. Storge § An affectionate, companionate style of loving focused on deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship, and common goals. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Pragma § Involves rational assessment of a potential partner’s assets and liabilities. Agape § Emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved’s needs even when that requires personal sacrifice. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Facts about Families: Six Love Styles § § Ludus § Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship. Mania § Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

BIOLOGICAL EXPLANATIONS (Macionis) FOUNDATION OF LOVE BIOLOGY (PHEREMONES) ATTRACT MALES AND FEMALES TO ONE ANOTHER EVER WONDER ABOUT SOME COUPLES? ? ? “FEELING LOVE” IS BIOLOGICAL FLOOD OF CHEMICAL IN BODY FLUSHED SKIN, SWEATY PALMS, ETC RELEASE OF PHENYLETHYULAMINE CAUSES ELATION, EXHILARATION, AND EUPHORIA LONGLASTING WELL RELATIONSHIPS DUE TO BIOLOGY AS ENDORPHINS ACT TO RELAX AND MAKE ONE FEEL SECURE AND SAFE

And now for some music… § § § Write down which concepts you see/hear: Sternberg’s 8 styles Lee’s 6 styles The 3 kinds of attachment Any biological concepts or hormones © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

What frame are you? ! (Davidson) § § § A frame (too dependent) H frame (too independent) M frame (interdependent—healthy)

Three Things Love Is Not 1. 2. 3. Martyring Manipulating Limerence © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love Isn’t Martyring Martyrs may: § Be reluctant to suggest what they want. § Allow others to be constantly late and never protest. § Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own. § Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love Isn’t Manipulation Manipulators may: § Ask others to do something that they could do. § Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose. § Be consistently late. § Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love Isn’t Limerence § § § People in limerence fantasize about being with the limerent object in all kinds of situations. Limerence is characterized by little, if any, concern for the well-being of the limerent object. Limerence can turn into genuine love, but more often than not, it doesn’t. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

A Time-Ordered Sequential Model of Relationship Outcomes © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Technology and Dating: Online Dating Sites: How Do They Work? § One sample ranking (Consumer Rankings) § https: //online-dating. thetop 10 sites. com/best-datingsites. html? keyword=%2 Bonlin%20%2 Bdating&matchtype=b&creati ve=74354542859847&keywordid=74354619996294&utm_campaig n=TT 10 S_Bing_Dating_USA_MB&campaignid=274541377&adrou pid=1189671888788592&pt=&au=&adgroup=A%20 Online%20 Dati ng%20 LT%20 MB&tgtid=kwd-74354619996294: loc 4126&device=c&network=o&qr=research%20 online%20 dati ng&utm_source=bing&msclkid=1 c 78 a 233773 b 11 b 09 bb 2 f 9921909 b ac 4&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=%2 Bonlin%20%2 Bdating&utm_ content=A%20 Online%20 Dating%20 LT%20 MB

How they work Financing • Monthly • 3 -month • 6 -month, yearly Profile (may take 1 -2 hours) • #1: Sample settings (like filter theory): age, race/ethnicity, height, body, type, hair color, eye color, religion, spiritual, and/or astrology sign, political preference, have/like pets, smoke/drink, Exercise, occupation, salary • #2: Questionnaire (brief or a few hundred questions) • #3: Pictures Security (Varies greatly) • Rely. ID • Incognito • Secure call

How do they work § § § Each day they send you matches based on profile criteria/settings…but how specific (or open) you are can influence potential # of matches. Some allow an open search—beyond receiving daily matches. For example, enter a zip code, age range, sex (male/female) and it pulls them up. Some allow you to see if someone read your e-mail, and/or are currently online, and/or where they are (like GPS). e. Harmony (more controls, plus/minus); match (opposite: lots of view options) Username telling, profile narrative more so, profile pix (#, type) as well Sometimes people update if “too few hits” or “too many hits” Need a picture (11 x more likely to get reply). Key is exchange theory (give/receive…and is it equal)…but Impression management: some lie, some alter, some withhold important info. Circular dating (pros/cons). Unintended consequences (turning off; or not). One humorous categorization.

For fun! Build your profile (you won’t turn in) § § § § § What are you looking for in a partner? What are your dealbreakers? Who was your role model/mentor? (Beyond mom and dad) What is the last book you read? What do people first notice about you? What do you wish more people knew about you? How much alone time do you need? What would you like to do when you have a night off? What 3 pics would you choose to capture who you?

Texting and Dating § § The rapid increase in technology profoundly affected dating relationships, especially with how couples meet. Texting and instant messaging have become important in romantic relationships. It is unclear if digital communication is replacing in-person communication for couples (substitution hypothesis). What are pros/cons to texting as an equal, or primary, form of communication? © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Minimizing Mate Selection Risk § Letting go of misconceptions we may have about love and choosing a partner. Common love myths include: § § § The right person will meet all my needs I can change my partner Love will conquer all Love is a feeling We’ll live happily ever after © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Arranged Marriages § § Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of Asia and Africa. Assisted marriages have become more common today. Children marry only when they themselves accept their parents choice. Couples in arranged marriages are expected to develop a loving relationship after the marriage. Some studies indicate that satisfaction among couples with arranged marriages have found no differences in marital satisfaction between couples who have had input in their mate selection. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Free-choice Culture § The United States is an example of a freechoice culture: § People choose their own mates, although typically they seek parents’ and other family members’ support for their decision. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Arranged Marriage § In arranged marriages, families and community do the bargaining, based on assets such as status, possessions, and dowry. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Free-Choice Marriage § In freely chosen marriages, the individuals perform a more subtle form of bargaining, weighing the costs and benefits of personal characteristics, economic status, and education. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Social Exchange § § The ideas of bargaining resources in relationships come to us from exchange theory Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or least costly. In romantic relationships individuals have resources: beauty, personality, status, skills, maturity, intellect, originality, etc. Individuals also have costly attributes: being demanding, low status, geographic inaccessibility, etc. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The Decline of Status Exchange? § § Women expect greater financial success from potential husbands than vice versa, even if they themselves are employed. Still, wives today are just as likely to have more education than their husbands. One study found no difference between men and women in their desire for a financially successful mate or one who takes on domestic roles. Matching: The tendency of individuals to select partners with characteristics similar to their own. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Pool of Eligibles § A group of individuals who, by background or birth, are considered most likely to make compatible marriage partners. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Cohabitation Pros & Cons § § Cohabitation is increasingly thought of as part of the marriage process. People intuitively believe that cohabitation allows them to evaluate a potential spouse’s compatibility. Some studies indicate this may not be true, however. Selection hypothesis: People who cohabit differ from those who don’t, and these differences translate into higher divorce rates. Experience hypothesis: Cohabiting experiences themselves affect individuals so that they are more likely to divorce once married. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Four common reasons for cohabitation § § Experiment/Test-drive: make sure compatible, especially given high divorce rate. “Linus blanket” (co-dependence), unable to live alone Cost-efficient (save money on rent, cooking, etc) Independence (for self; from family)

Interracial and Interethnic Heterogamy § § Interracial marriages include unions between partners of the white, black, Asian, or Native American races with a spouse outside their own race. Unions between Hispanics and others, as well as between Asian/Pacific Islander or Hispanic ethnic groups, are interethnic marriages. In 2014, only 5 percent of all marriages were between spouses of different races, up from less than 1 percent in 1970. However, in 2014 12 percent of newlyweds married someone of a different race. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Percentage of newlyweds who married someone of a different race, 2013 © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Reasons for Interracial and Interethnic Relationships § § Racial/ethnic groups are relatively small and have a smaller pool of eligible partners in their own groups. Status exchange hypothesis—trading “superior” racial/ethnic status for “superior” economic status. Some concern has been expressed about educated black men choosing spouses from other races. Acceptance of interracial/interethnic marriage is growing; it is especially high among minorities, younger adults, and those with college degrees. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Heterogamy: Interfaith Relationships § § § About 45 percent of married couples married outside their religion. Being highly educated seems to lessen individuals’ commitment to religious heterogamy. Because Americans are becoming less religious, religious heterogamy can be expected to continue its decline. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Integration of last few slides with online dating: Filter Theory Revisited § § § Christian Mingle Jdate Black People Meet Farmers Only Just Lunch And ones that aren’t exactly for dating… © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Heterogamy and Relationship Quality and Stability § § Social scientists find that marriages that are homogamous in age, education, religion, and race are the most stable. However, some studies do not support worse outcomes for heterogamous relationships. Interreligious marriages tend to be more stressful and less stable than homogamous ones. Private choices are intertwined with public issues. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment § § § Young people today “meander toward marriage, ” feeling that they’ll be ready to marry when they reach their late twenties or so. Young adults express need to explore as many options as possible before settling down. Dating scripts govern behavior in the getting-to -know-you stage of dating relationships. These are highly gendered. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Issues for Thought: Sexual Assault and Acquaintance Rape § § § What can you do to help prevent sexual assault and acquaintance rape? What should you do if you or a friend is raped or assaulted? What would or should you do if a friend or acquaintance of yours was known to be the perpetrator of a sexual assault? © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Dating Violence: A Serious Sign of Trouble § § Dating violence typically begins with verbal or psychological abuse and tends to occur over jealousy, with a refusal of sex, after illegal drug use or excessive drinking, or upon disagreement about drinking behavior. Many women and men are victims of controlling behavior that may or may not include physical violence. Technology is often used to monitor a partner’s activities and whereabouts. A recent study of 28 female undergraduates in abusive dating relationships found that some of these women felt “stuck” with their partner. A majority had assumed a “caretaker identity” similar to martyring. © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Indicators of Dating Violence 1. Handles ordinary disagreements with inappropriate anger or rage 2. Struggles to regain self-control when a minor issue triggers anger 3. Goes into tirades © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Indicators of Dating Violence 4. Quick to criticize or verbally mean 5. Unduly jealous, restricting, and controlling 6. History of violence in previous relationships © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Dating Danger Signs: Stanford Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness § § § § “Do you feel nervous around your partner? Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger? Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex? Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner? Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people? Are they always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner? Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people? Does your partner tell you that if you changed they wouldn't abuse you? Does your partner's jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family? Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy or inadequate? Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior? Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do? Are you expected to do things to please your partner, rather than to please yourself? Do you feel that, with your partner, nothing you ever do is good enough? Does your partner say that they will kill or hurt you or themselves if you break up with them? Does your partner make excuses for behavior, for example, by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs, or because they can't control their temper, or that they were "just joking"? ”

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the Development of Love © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Some Things to Talk About § Couples should talk about matters such as the following: § When should a relationship be dissolved and under what circumstances? § What are your expectations and attitudes regarding sex? § Do you want children? § Will partners equally share breadwinning and caretaking responsibilities or not? © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Take-aways § § What are the top 3 things you learned that you could start thinking about now (if dating) or soon (if you will date)? How many of the Micro #2 questions can you now better answer, after knowing, an thinking about the topics in Ch. 5? © 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.