CHAPTER 4 Revising Business Messages Instructor Only Version

The Writing Process Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 2

Revising Improving content and sentence structure May involve adding, cutting, and recasting. Proofreading Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 3

Memo Revised for Conciseness Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 4

Concise Wording Revise your messages to eliminate flabby expressions. Instead of this Try this We are of the opinion that We think Please feel free to Please In addition to the above Also At this point in time Now Despite the fact that Although Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 5

Limit Long Lead-Ins Instead of this Try this This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today. All employees meet today. I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted. Thanks to everyone who voted. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 6

Drop Unnecessary Fillers Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there is/was and it is/was when used merely to take up space. Instead of this Try this There was only one employees who should be promoted. Only one employee should be promoted. It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored. Lisa and Jeff were honored. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 7

Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary there is/it is fillers. This e-mail message is to inform you that there is a new health benefit plan available for employees. A new health benefit plan is available for employees. Quick Check We probably will win I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone that in all probability we expect to win the contract. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e the contract. Chapter 4, 1, Slide 8

Revise the following sentences to achieve conciseness. In addition to the above, there are contracts that are attached hereto. Two contracts are also attached. Quick Despite the fact that most Although most Check information is posted on the information is posted company intranet, please feel on the company free to call whenever intranet, please call necessary. whenever necessary. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 9

Remove Redundant Words Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions? advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back serious danger Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 10

Remove Redundant Words Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions? advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back serious danger Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 11

Dump Trite Expressions Trite and Outdated Modern as per your request at your request pursuant to your request attached hereto attached under separate cover separately Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 12

Jargon Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize. Computer Jargon queue Alternative export transfer data from one program to another bandwidth Internet capacity list of documents waiting to be printed Is jargon ever permissible? Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 13

Slang Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings). to “bag on” to tease, to nag, or to complain clueless turkey unaware, naïve someone stupid or silly relax chill/chill out Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 14

Slang An example from the world of Dilbert: Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 15

Clichés Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words. Instead of this Try this Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone. Finally, you should work diligently. We had reached the end of our rope. We could go no further. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 16

Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang. Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case. Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case. Quick Check With a little advance warning, With warning, we we could have sold out before our stocks tanked. before our stocks hit bottom. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 17

Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang. Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1. Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1. Pursuant to your request, As you requested, a enclosed please find a check for $150 is for $150. enclosed. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 18

Buried Verbs Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns. Tip Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs? Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 19

Buried Verbs Instead of this Try this The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense. The manager realized that telecommuting made sense. A job seeker must make application before May 1. A job seeker must apply before May 1. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 20

Buried Verbs Instead of this Try this Once we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow. Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow. Please give serious consideration to a company intranet. Please seriously consider a company intranet. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 21

Control Exuberance To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers such as very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really, actually, and totally Excessive Businesslike The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable. The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 22

Precise Words Revise your writing to include precise words. Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns. Unclear More Precise The man asked for a raise. Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase. An employee presented a proposal. Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 23

Precise Words Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones. Instead of this Try this They thought her report was good. The management council thought Erin’s report was factual and well written. She said she would get in touch. Sheila said she would send you an e-mail. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 24

In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance. The seller said he definitely would contact you. The seller promised to e-mail (telephone or fax) you. Quick Check We must give We must encouragement to our team. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 25

In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance. Moviegoers actually show a total preference for buttered popcorn. Moviegoers prefer buttered popcorn. Please make an assessment Please assess the of the home’s value. Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Ann suggested that we hire Lee. Chapter 4, 1, Slide 26

Designing Documents for Readability Employ white space. § Headings § Short paragraphs § Ragged-right margins Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 27

Designing Documents for Readability Choose appropriate typefaces. Serif typefaces have small features at ends of strokes. Useful for body text. Times New Roman Century Georgia Garamond Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 28

Designing Documents for Readability Choose appropriate typefaces. Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without features. Useful for headings, signs, and noncontinuous reading material. Arial Tahoma Verdana Calibri Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 29

Designing Documents for Readability Use bulleted and numbered lists. § Break up complex information into smaller chunks. § Use numbered lists for sequences. § Use bulleted lists for items that don’t require a certain order. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 30

Designing Documents for Readability Use a numbered list for instructions. Instead of this Try this To clean the printer, you should do the following. First, you should disconnect the power cord. Then you open the front cover, and the printer area should be cleaned with a soft cloth. To clean the printer, do the following: 1. Disconnect the power cord. 2. Open the front cover. 3. Clean the printer with a soft cloth. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 31

Designing Documents for Readability Organize information with column headings. Instead of this Try this On April 3 we will be in Toledo, and the speaker is Troy Lee. On May 20 we will be in Detroit, and the speaker is Sue Wu. Date City Speaker April 3 Toledo Troy Lee May 20 Detroit Sue Wu Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 32

Designing Documents for Readability Use letters to list items within sentences. Strive for parallelism. Instead of this Try this Our team constantly tries to achieve our goals, customer service must be improved, and our production targets must be met. Our team constantly tries to (a) achieve our goals, (b) improve customer service, and (c) hit our production targets. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 33

Designing Documents for Readability Use paragraph headings to improve organization and readability. Instead of this Try this The next topic is vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall. Vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1. Flextime. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 34

Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted vertical list. In the next training The next training session, the trainer will demonstrate how to • Creating podcasts create podcasts, how to • Sharing multiple share multiple programs, and how to • Maintaining an Internet maintain an Internet directory. Quick Check Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 35

Improve the readability of the following instructions that will become part of a student’s employment booklet. In preparing for an employment You can prepare for interview, you should begin by interviews by doing the studying the job description. following: Itemizing your most strategic • Study the job description. skills and qualifications is also • Itemize your most important. Giving responses in strategic skills and a mock interview is another qualifications. good practice technique. Last, • Practice giving responses you should be prepared to ask in a mock interview. relevant questions. Quick Check Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 36

What to Watch for in Proofreading § Spelling § Grammar © ISTOCKPHOTO. COM / DMITRY SHIRONOSOV § Punctuation § Names and numbers § Format Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 37

Proofreading Marks Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 38

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e 8 e Chapter 4, 1, Slide 39

How to Proofread Complex Documents § § Allow adequate time. Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics. § Reduce your reading speed. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 40

How to Proofread Complex Documents For documents that must be perfect: § Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout. § Spell names. § Spell difficult words. § Note capitalization. § Note punctuation. Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8 e Chapter 4, Slide 41