Chapter 4 Learn to Look How to Notice

Chapter 4 Learn to Look How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk

Sophia Daniel Denae Williams Quinton Hill Kimico Worsham

Crucial Conversation A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong Crucial Moment The point in time where the right behavior, if enacted, leads to the results you want.

CPR The three types of conversations that can be held around a particular issue: Content (discussing the issue itself), Pattern (discussing the problem that the issue keeps recurring), and Relationship (discussing the fact that the issue is affecting your overall relationship with the other person).

STOP LOOK o o LISTEN Learn to Look—When a conversation turns crucial, we either miss or misinterpret the early warning signs. We want to be able to step out of the content of the conversation and learn to look for signs that a conversation has become crucial and that safety is at risk so we can get back to dialogue more quickly.

PLAY IT SAFE! Watch the following characters in a scene and consider how each interacts with the other during a Crucial Conversation.

LET’S PLAY BALL! Let’s revisit the scene again applying the concepts of Crucial Conversations.

Watch for Conditions Ø Ø Ø When people don’t feel safe The moment the conversation turns crucial Your Own Style Under Stress

Safety Establishing an atmosphere where the other person in a conversation feels comfortable and free to talk about or listen to any topic, no matter how sensitive it may be.

The Silence to Violence Continuum q Many of us tend to toggle back and forth. As we try to deal with crucial conversations, we toggle between two ends of an unproductive continuum. q We hold things inside by going silent until we can tolerate it no longer – then we drop a bomb. q We may not become physically violent, but we do say things that attack the ideas and feelings of the other person. In other words, we "do violence" to the relationship.

STATE My Path—A set of skills that help you share difficult feedback or risky meaning. Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths Talk tentatively Encourage testing

Chapter 5 Make It Safe How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything

Start with Heart • Confront the current issue these two are having. *What is the issue? . . . • Build Safety for the conversation. *How does they build safety? . . -Negative -Positive

Summarization � Yvonne and Jotham have been in a relationship for many years � Jotham is looking for affection while Yvonne is satisfied in the relationship presently � Yvonne is actively seeking a resolution while Jotham is continually avoiding her attempts at dialogue.

Conditions of Safety � 1. Understand the mutual purpose �Shared goal �Healthy climate �Know the intent � 2. Watch for signs that mutual purpose are at risk �Opinions are forced upon one another �Debate begins �Acquisitions arise �No resolution

Continued… � 3. Look for Mutual in Mutual Purpose �Examine the motives �THE PURPOSE HAS TO BE MUTUAL! � 4. Look for Mutuality �Avoid disaster �Find the point of view �Engage each person in conversation

R-E-S-P-E-C-T � Mutual Respect �When people perceive that others don’t respect them the conversation becomes unsafe �Mutual Purpose Suffers �The Conversation tanks In What ways have you felt respected or disrespected in a conversation? What was the result?

Continued… � What are ways to mend a conversation once mutual respect and purpose are at risk? APOLOGIZE CONTRAST CREATE A MUTUAL PURPOSE: C. R. I. B

C. R. I. B � Commit to seek mutual purpose � Recognize � Invent the Purpose behind the strategy a Mutual Purpose � Brainstorm New Strategies

How Does Yvonne and Jotham find a solution? � 1. Make it Safe � 2. Apologize � 3. Find Mutual Purpose (Have Mutual Respect) � 4. Brainstorm