Chapter 12 Communication in Relationships Marriages and Families

Chapter 12 Communication in Relationships, Marriages and Families

Chapter Outline § § § Characteristics of Cohesive Families Communication and Couple Satisfaction Conflict in Relationships Gender Differences and Communication Working Through Conflicts in Positive Ways —Ten Guidelines Toward Better Couple and Family Communication

Characteristics of Cohesive Families § § § Family Cohesion: togetherness, the emotional bonding that couples and family members have toward one another A family can have too much cohesion (an enmeshed family) or too little (a disengaged or disconnected family). Experts advise a balanced level of cohesion— one that combines a reasonable and mutually satisfying degree of emotional bonding with individual family members’ need for autonomy.

Six Qualities of Family Cohesion 1. 2. 3. Communicate appreciation for one another. Arrange personal schedules so they can do things together. Have a high degree of commitment to promoting one another's happiness and welfare.

Six Qualities of Family Cohesion 4. 5. 6. Have some spiritual orientation. Are able to deal with crises. Have positive communication patterns.

Children, Family Cohesion, and Unresolved Conflict § § § Regardless of family structure, a family characterized by warmth, cohesion, and generally supportive communication is better for children. A home characterized by significant, unresolved, and ongoing conflict negatively impacts children. Conflicts can end in constructive ways from the children’s perspective.

As We Make Choices: Communicating with Children—How to Talk so Kids will Listen and so Kids will Talk § § § Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Engaging a Child’s Cooperation Instead of Punishment Encouraging Autonomy Praise and Self-Esteem Freeing Children from Playing Roles

As We Make Choices: Communicating with Children—How to Talk so Kids will Listen and so Kids will Talk § § What bit of advice in this section might you choose to practice when communicating with the child(ren) in your life? Why is it important to encourage children to talk? What is it important to listen to children? Why does how we talk to children matter?

Communication and Couple Satisfaction § § § Couples demonstrate different relationship ideologies—expectations for closeness and/or distance as well as ideas about how partners should play their roles. Couples also differ in their attitudes toward conflict. What matters is whether the partners’ actual interaction matches their ideology.

Four Types of Marital Relationships § Researchers Ted Huston and Heidi Melz classified marital relationships into four types: § Warm or friendly – High at showing signs of affection, low on antagonism § Tempestuous or stormy – High on both affection and antagonism § Bland or empty shell – Low on signs of affection and antagonism § Hostile or distressed – Low on affection but high on antagonism

Emotional Climates of Committed Relationships

Couple Conflict Even the happiest and most committed couples experience conflict. Research shows that an essential characteristic of happy couples involves disclosure of feelings and showing affection for one another.

Conflict in Relationships § Passive-Aggression: Expressing anger indirectly § Sabotage: Getting revenge or “payback” § Displacement: A person directs anger at people or things that the other cherishes

Positive Results of Good Listening 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Listening shows love, concern, and respect. Avoiding interruptions prevents sending messages like, “You’re not worth listening to. ” You discover how things look from your partner’s point of view. Your partner takes over as the final authority on his or her own feelings. You set an example for your partner to follow in listening to your feelings.

As We Make Choices: Ten Rules for Successful Relationships § § § Express love verbally. Be physically affectionate. Express appreciation and admiration. Share more about yourself with your partner than with any other person. Offer each other emotional support.

As We Make Choices: Ten Rules for Successful Relationships § § § Express your love materially. Accept partner’s demands and put up with partner’s shortcomings. Make time to be alone together. Do not take the relationship for granted. Do unto each other as you would have the other do unto you.

As We Make Choices: Ten Rules for Successful Relationships § § § Often, we read a list like the previous one and think about whether our partner or other family members are doing them, not whether we ourselves are. How many of the items on the list do yourself do? Which two or three items might you begin to incorporate into a relationship?

Conflict and Love § § All couples experience conflict. How conflicts are addressed and resolved depends on how secure mates feel in their relationship.

Dealing with Conflict § § Learning to express anger and dealing with conflict early in a relationship are challenges to be met rather than avoided. A key to effective conflict management is to share events in friendly, supportive ways so that arguments occur within a context of trust.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Research identified predictors of divorce: 1. Contempt 2. Criticism 3. Defensiveness 4. Stonewalling 5. Belligerence

Gender Differences and Communication § § Deborah Tannen’s book You Just Don’t Understand argued that men typically engage in report talk, conversation aimed mainly at conveying information. Women are likely to engage in rapport talk, speaking to gain or reinforce rapport or intimacy.

Managing Conflict § § Whoever is voicing a complaint might do so gently, whereas the receiver needs to be willing to listen. Both partners need to do what they can to deescalate the fight, but not to avoid their conflict altogether.

Tactics Used by Fight Evaders 1. Leaving the house or the scene when the fight threatens. 2. Turning sullen and refusing to argue or talk. 3. Derailing arguments, e. g. “I can’t take it when you yell at me. ”

Tactics Used by Fight Evaders 4. 5. 6. Stating “I can’t take you seriously when you act this way. ” Using the hit and run tactic of filing a complaint and leaving no time for a resolution. Saying “okay, you win” without meaning it.

Stonewallers § § Chronic stonewallers may fear rejection or retaliation and therefore hesitate to acknowledge their own or their partner’s angry emotions. Use I-statements, avoid mixed messages, focus your anger on specific issues, and be willing to change.

Working Through Conflicts in Positive Ways—Ten Guidelines § § § Express anger directly and with kindness. Check out your interpretation of other’s behaviors. To avoid attacks, use “I” statements. Avoid mixed or double messages. When you can, choose the time and place carefully.

Working Through Conflicts in Positive Ways—Ten Guidelines § § § Address a specific issue, ask for a specific change, and be open to compromise. Be willing to change yourself. Don’t try to win an argument. Be willing to forgive. End the argument.

Changing Fighting Habits § § § The key to staying happily together is not avoiding conflict but dealing with it openly and in supportive ways. Doing so involves listening. The goal isn’t necessarily agreement, but acknowledgment, insight, and understanding.

Toward Better Couple and Family Communication § § Keeping a loving relationship or creating a cohesive family is not automatic. Doing so requires working on ourselves as well as on our relationships. First step: consciously recognizing how important the relationship is. Second step: setting realistic expectations about the relationship.

Toward Better Couple and Family Communication § Third step: improving our own: 1) emotional intelligence – awareness of what we’re feeling so that we can express our feelings more authentically ability and willingness to repair our moods healthy balance between controlling rash impulses and being candid and spontaneous sensitivity to the feelings and needs of others 2) 3) 4)

Facts about Families: Relationship and Family Counseling § § § Can you think of a specific example from your own experiences when couple or family counseling was helpful? When it could have been helpful? Can you think of examples when couple or family counseling might be less than helpful?

Many observers strongly criticize the way that American culture tends to equate love with infatuation, or chemistry.

The Myth of Conflict-Free Conflict § § Conflict itself cannot be free from conflict. Some individuals have a partner who chooses not to learn to face conflict positively. Not every conflict can be resolved. If an unresolved conflict is not crucial, then the two may have to accept inability to resolve that issue.

Quick Quiz

1. The emotional bonding of family members is referred to as family a) strength. b) construction. c) cohesion. d) justice.

Answer: c § The emotional bonding of family members is referred to as family cohesion.

2. When a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly, that behavior is called. a) authoritarianism. b) displacement. c) sabotage. d) passive-aggression.

Answer: d § When a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly, that behavior is called passive-aggression.

3. Which of the following is NOT one of the “rules for a successful relationship, ” as discussed in the text? a) Be willing to challenge your partner’s demands and question his/her shortcomings. b) Share more about yourself with your partner than you do with any other person. c) Express your love materially. d) Do not take your relationship for granted.

Answer: a § “Be willing to challenge your partner’s demands and question his/her shortcomings” is NOT one of the “rules for a successful relationship, ” as discussed in the text.

4. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all examples of what social psychologist John Gottman referred to as the a) Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. b) major threats to communication breakdown. c) Four Riders of the Communication Barrier. d) primary ingredients of impending divorce.

Answer: a § Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all examples of what social psychologist John Gottman referred to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.