Chapter 11 Conflict Miller Intimate Relationships 6e Mc

Chapter 11 Conflict Miller Intimate Relationships, 6/e Mc. Graw-Hill/Irwin Copyright (c) 2012 by The Mc. Graw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Nature of Conflict What is Conflict? Interpersonal conflict occurs whenever one person’s motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another. Questions: Platonic vs Intimate Relationships 11 -2

The Nature of Conflict What is Conflict? Conflict occurs when one’s wishes or actions actually impede those of someone else, that is, when one partner has to give up getting or doing something that he or she wants because of the other partner’s influence. Example: A partner’s career demands he move often vs his partner’s need to live near family 11 -3

Is Conflict Inevitable? What is Conflict? Conflict is inescapable in close relationships, for two reasons. • Differences in Needs • Tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain. These are opposing motivations, or dialectics, that can never be completely satisfied because they contradict each other. 11 -4

The Nature of Conflict The balance of the “self” and the “we” There’s dialectical tension between: (a) personal autonomy and close connection to others. Do you pursue intimacy or freedom? Independence or belonging? 11 -5

The Nature of Conflict How much do you reveal of yourself? (b) openness versus closedness. On the one hand, there’s honesty, candor, and authenticity, and on the other hand, there’s privacy, discretion, and restraint. 11 -6

The Nature of Conflict What is Conflict? (c) stability versus change. We relish both novelty and excitement, and familiarity and constancy. 11 -7

The Nature of Conflict What is the role of friends? …and (d) integration with, versus separation from, a social network. The motive to stay involved with other people is sometimes at odds with the wish to devote oneself to a romantic partnership. 11 -8

The Nature of Conflict What is Conflict? • Dialectics fluctuate in degree between partners • These four dialectics typically continue throughout the entire life of a relationship. • Degree of difference in the dialectics (or needs) determines intensity of conflict 11 -9

Conflict as Norm The Frequency of Conflicts occur often. • Dating couples report 2. 3 conflicts per week • Married Couples experience 1 or 2 unpleasant disagreements each month. • Question: Why do dating couples experience greater conflict? 11 -10

The Nature of Conflict The Frequency of Conflict The amount of conflict people encounter is linked to: Personality – neuroticism have more conflicts – high in agreeableness have fewer Attachment style – anxiety over abandonment makes conflict more threatening and more frequent 11 -11

The Nature of Conflict The Frequency of Conflict – Stage of life – older couples have fewer conflicts than – Similarity – the less similar partners are to each other, the more conflict they experience – Alcohol – intoxication exacerbates conflict; adding alcohol to a frustrating disagreement is a bit like adding fuel to a fire. 11 -12

The Course of Conflict Instigating Events Couples may disagree about almost any issue. The high levels of interdependency that characterize an intimate relationship provide abundant opportunities for dispute. 11 -13

The Course of Conflict Triggers Four different types of events cause most conflicts: – Criticism is behavior that seems unjustly critical, being perceived as demeaning or derogatory – Illegitimate demands are requests that are excessive and that seem unjust – Rebuffs occur when one’s appeals for help or support are rejected – Cumulative annoyances are relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition 11 -14

The Course of Conflict Attributions : Who/What caused the problem? Two partners’ explanations for events are often somewhat different, and conflict can result: – Misunderstanding may occur if partner invalidate each other’s view (only one can be right) – Attributional conflict can occur, with partners arguing over whose explanation is right, and whose is wrong. 11 -15

The Course of Conflict Who we see each other? Happy Couples Characterized by: • Less insistent that the other is selfishly motivated • Tolerate Differences in views/ Validate each other • Less insistent on being right 11 -16

The Course of Conflict: Possible outcomes • Avoid the issue and let it drop • Negotiation and rational problem-solving may follow. • Escalation occurs and the conflict heats up. 11 -17

The Course of Conflict How do we fail to resolve conflict? In the midst of conflict, unpleasant behavior may occur. Direct actions explicitly challenge one’s partner: – Accusations – Hostile commands and threats – Surly and sarcastic putdowns 11 -18

The Course of Conflict How do we fail to resolve conflict? Indirect actions are more veiled and implicit: – Condescension – Whining – Evasion All of these behaviors – both direct and indirect – are obnoxious to some degree, and satisfied partners engage in these behaviors less often than discontented, disgruntled partners do. 11 -19

The Course of Conflict The Demand/Withdraw Pattern This obnoxious cycle occurs when one partner criticizes and nags the other, and the other retreats from the confrontation and becomes defensive. The demander tends to become more insistent while the withdrawer becomes more resistant. Question: Typical for which attachment match? 11 -20

The Course of Conflict The Demand/Withdraw Pattern In heterosexual couples, women tend to be the demanders and men the withdrawers more often than not. Why? Men are often more powerful, and if they’re getting their way, they may resist change. Gender roles that encourage men to be autonomous and independent may also be influential. 11 -21

The Course of Conflict Negotiation and Accommodation How do we resolve conflict well? Direct – Offering concessions – Engaging in active listening – Providing approval and affection or Indirect – Using friendly, non-sarcastic humor 11 -22

The Course of Conflict Negotiation and Accommodation Thus, responses to conflict: • active or passive • constructive or destructive. When these two different dimensions are combined, four different responses to conflict 11 -23

The Course of Conflict Negotiation and Accommodation • Voice – (active, constructive) working to improve the situation • Loyalty – (passive, constructive) waiting and hoping for things to get better • Exit – (active, destructive) responses such as leaving the partner • Neglect – (passive, destructive) allowing things to get worse 11 -24

The Course of Conflict Negotiation and Accommodation Voice: (active, constructive) • relationship has been satisfying • people with secure attachment styles. Exit, Neglect: (Destructive) • avoidance of intimacy • masculine gender roles 11 -25

The Course of Conflict Negotiation: Self-Regulation Relationships are at risk when both partners choose destructive responses to conflict, so accommodation, the ability to remain constructive in the face of a lover’s temporary disregard, is advantageous. Accommodation occurs when partners respond to provocation by inhibiting the impulse to fight fire with fire. Indeed, couples who are able to swallow occasional frustration from each other without responding in kind are happier than those who are less tolerant. 11 -26

The Course of Conflict Marital Research Findings: Four Types of Couples • Arguments need not be avoided • Arguments can be constructive If, Both partners fight similarly Both partners fight fairly (fair fighting rules) 11 -27

The Course of Conflict Dealing with Conflict: Four Types of Couples • Volatile couples have frequent and passionate arguments, but they temper their fights with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other. • Validators fight more politely and calmly, behaving more like collaborators than antagonists. • Avoiders rarely argue; they duck confrontation and often just try to fix problems on their own. In these three types, the positive elements of the interaction substantially outnumber the frustrating costs…. 11 -28

The Course of Conflict Dealing with Conflict: Four Types of Couples • …In contrast, hostiles are more nasty to each other. Hostiles fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and their marriages are more fragile than those of the other three groups. 11 -29

The Outcomes of Conflict Ending Conflict There are five ways that conflict can end: – Separation occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict. – Domination, one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates. – Compromise occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be reached. 11 -30

The Outcomes of Conflict Ending Conflict – Integrative agreements satisfy both partners’ original goals and aspirations, usually through inventiveness, creativity and flexibility. (both get full needs met without compromise) – Structural improvement occurs when the partners not only get what they want, they make desirable changes to their relationship. (fulfill needs and improve relationship dynamic) 11 -31

The Outcomes of Conflict Can Fighting be Good for a Relationship? • unexpressed nuisances and irritants in relationships create dissatisfaction So, the prevailing view among conflict researchers is that conflict is an essential tool with which to promote intimacy. It is the deft management of conflict—and not its absence—that allows relationships to grow and prosper. 11 -32

The Outcomes of Conflict Can Fighting be Good for a Relationship? Self-Control Gottman’s (1994 b) list of “don’ts” for successful conflict: • Don’t withdraw • Don’t go negative • Don’t get caught in a loop of negative affect reciprocity 11 -33

The Outcomes of Conflict Can Fighting be Good for a Relationship? The Speaker-Listener Technique: Rules: • • The speaker has the floor Share the floor No problem solving Speaker: Speak for yourself (don’t try to be a mind reader) Speaker: Stop and let the listener paraphrase Listener: Paraphrase what you hear Listener: Focus on the speaker’s message. Don’t rebut. 11 -34

The Outcomes of Conflict Can Fighting be Good for a Relationship? The “Fight Effects Profile” (Bach & Wyden, 1983) A scorecard to grade your collaboration in a conflict based on: • Trust • Hurt • Revenge • Information • Reconciliation • Resolution • Relational Evaluation • Control • Self-Evaluation • Fear • Cohesion-Affection 11 -35

For Your Consideration John’s wife, Tina, is a bit hot -headed. When something bothers her, she wants to drop everything else and work on the problem, but she tends to do so with high emotion. She has a volatile temper; she gets angry easily, but she cools off just as fast. John is more placid, and he dislikes conflict. When he gets angry, he does so slowly, and he simmers rather than erupts. When there’s something bothering him, he prefers to just go off by himself and engage in distracting entertainments instead of beginning a discussion that could turn into a fight. Lately, Tina has become very frustrated because John is close lipped and unresponsive when she brings up a complaint. His reluctance to discuss her grievances is just making her annoyance and dissatisfaction worse. What do you think the future holds for Tina and John? Why? 11 -36