Chapter 1 The Building Blocks of Relationships Miller

The Nature of Intimacy The Six Components of Intimacy: 1) Knowledge: intimate partners have extensive personal, often confidential, information about each other 2) Caring: intimate partners feel more affection for one another than they do for most others 1 -2

The Nature of Intimacy 3) Interdependence: intimate partners have strong, diverse, and enduring influence on each other 4) Mutuality: intimate partners think of themselves as a couple instead of as two entirely separate individuals 1 -3

The Nature of Intimacy Here’s one way to think about mutuality: The Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale 1 -4

The Nature of Intimacy 5) Trust: intimate partners expect treatment from one another that is fair, honorable, not harmful, and responsive to their needs 6) Commitment: intimate partners expect their relationship to continue, and they work to realize that goal 1 -5

Is Intimacy a Basic Part of Human Nature? • The Need to Belong: – a powerful drive to establish intimate connections to others • people suffer, both mentally and physically, when they lack intimacy • a tendency to form stable, affectionate connections to others may have been evolutionarily adaptive 1 -6

The Influence of Culture Times have changed since your grandparents married… – Fewer people are marrying than ever before (about 85%) – People are waiting longer to marry (avg. age: Women: 26, Men: 28) – People routinely live together even when they’re not married (over 60%) – People often have babies even when they’re not married (41% of babies) 1 -7

The Influence of Culture Times have changed since your grandparents married… – About half of all marriages end in divorce – Most children live in a single-parent home sometime during their childhoods (40%) – Most children have mothers who work outside the home (60%) 1 -8

The Influence of Culture Why have our cultural norms changed? – Increasing socioeconomic development: People have more choices in affluent cultures – Increasing individualism: Pursuit of personal fulfillment - Collectivist cultures with stronger personal and social ties have lower divorce rates – New technology: Allows control of fertility and reduces our socializing with others 1 -9

The Influence of Culture Why have our cultural norms changed? – The Sex Ratio is lower number of men Sex Ratio = ________ number of women In 1960, America’s sex ratio was quite high, but there are fairly equal numbers of marriageable men and women today 1 -10

The Influence of Culture A notable pattern: – Cultures with high sex ratios (in which there are too few women) tend to support traditional roles and to be sexually conservative. – Cultures with low sex ratios (in which there are too few men) tend to be less traditional and more permissive. Why? 1 -11

Childhood Experience • Infants’interactions with their caregivers shape their attachment styles: their “learned orientations” toward relationships with others. • John Bowlby: Animal “imprinting” upon birth with immediate caretakers (Geese) • Attachment is Survival, in Humans too? • Mary Ainsworth: Stranger Situation (1969) – Categories of infant responses to separation and rejoining parent 1 -12

Infant Attachment Styles • Ainsworth identified three broad types of attachment styles: • Secure: trusting and relaxed • Anxious-ambivalent: nervous and clingy • Avoidant: suspicious and withdrawn Mary Mains (1986): Disorganized Attachment: Freezing/terrorized 1 -13

The Influence of Experience Ø Early Attachment Patterns Highly predict later adult intimate relationship patterns. ØAttachment patterns can change with experience • Only about 60% of us are secure and trusting in our romantic relationships. • The rest of us are insecure, being avoidant or anxious about depending on others. 1 -14

The Influence of Experience Ø Attachment styles are learned through our experiences in close relationships. ØHealthy Relationships are marked by secure attachments – can be corrective ØInsecure or Toxic Relationships can undo early secure attachment, creating subsequent relationship problems. 1 -15

The Influence of Sex Differences Just how different are men and women, on average? Not as much as you probably think… 1 -16

The Influence of Individual Differences Stereotypes suggest that men and women have little in common, so that the ranges of their traits and interests look like this: 1 -17

The Influence of Individual Differences Ø The actual interests, styles, and abilities of men and women overlap substantially. • Most sex “differences” are actually quite small. • Variation within each sex is much, much greater than any difference between the sexes. • Many members of one sex will always score higher than the average member of the other sex. 1 -18

The Influence of Individual Differences Actual sex differences take the form of substantially overlapping normal curves: 1 -19

The Influence of Individual Differences Ø The label “sex differences” is actually misleading. It gives the wrong impression. Ø “Men are from North Dakota, women are from South Dakota” (Wood & Dindia, 1998) 1 -20

The Influence of Individual Differences Gender Differences Sex differences refer to biological distinctions between men and women. Gender differences refer to social and psychological distinctions created by our cultures and upbringing. 1 -21

The Influence of Individual Differences Gender Roles: The patterns of behavior that are culturally expected of “normal” men and women 1 -22

The Influence of Individual Differences Gender Roles Ø Men are expected to be “masculine, ” or assertive, self-reliant, ambitious, decisive, and competitive. Ø Women are expected to be “feminine, ” or warm, sensitive, compassionate, and kind. Ø But only about half of us have attributes that fit these expectations well. 1 -23

The Influence of Individual Differences Gender Roles A note on terminology: “Masculine” traits are instrumental traits. “Feminine” traits are expressive traits. 1 -24

The Influence of Individual Differences Gender Roles Many of us are both instrumental and expressive; that is, we are androgynous: being both assertive and warm, sensitive and self-reliant. 1 -25

The Influence of Individual Differences Gender Roles • Stereotyped specialization into “masculine” or “feminine” roles may not be good for our relationships. • Traditional men and women do not like each other as much as less stereotyped people do. • Everybody wants warmth, affection, and sensitive understanding from a lover, but traditional men aren’t very good at providing it. 1 -26

The Influence of Individual Differences The Big Five Personality Traits (Mc. Crae & Costa, 2010) • Agreeableness – cooperative and trusting • Extraversion – outgoing and sociable • Conscientiousness – dutiful and dependable • Neuroticism – anxious and angry • Openness to experience – imaginative and unconventional 1 -27

The Influence of Individual Differences Which of these traits are influential in intimate relationships? . . …most of them. • Agreeable and extraverted people are cheerful and enthusiastic. • Conscientious people keep their promises. • Neurotic people are pessimistic and argumentative. • The more neurotic people are – the more prone they are to worrying and fussing – the less happy their marriages tend to be. 1 -28

The Influence of Individual Differences Self-Esteem Sociometer theory Self-esteem is a reflection of what others think of us. Therefore, when others like us, we like ourselves. 1 -29

The Influence of Individual Differences Self-Esteem When people have low self-esteem: • They underestimate their partners’ love for them • They are less optimistic their loves will last • They perceive rejection where none exists • They respond less constructively to conflict 1 -30

The Influence of Individual Differences Self-Esteem Our self-esteem can positively or negatively affect our relationships and be helped or hurt by our relationships. 1 -31

The Influence of Individual Differences An Individual Difference that doesn’t make much of a difference: Sexual Orientation The processes of close relationships are very similar in heterosexual and homosexual couples. What differences there are may be because a gay couple involves two men and a lesbian couple involves two women. 1 -32

The Influence of Human Nature Three Assumptions of Evolutionary Psychology: #1: Reproduction is our primary purpose. • Instincts are focused on fulfilling that goal. • Men and women face different reproductive dilemmas: Women ensure safety of baby Men to ensure its their child • cultures change faster than human nature does 1 -33

The Influence of Human Nature What different reproductive dilemmas do men and women face? Parental Investment: Men and women differ enormously in the minimum time and effort they have to invest in each child they produce. So it is adaptive for women to be more careful in choosing their mates. 1 -34

The Influence of Human Nature Paternity Uncertainty: Men, but not women, may face doubts about whether or not a particular child is theirs. So men are especially vigilant toward the threat of marital infidelity. What we like in casual, short-term lovers may differ from what we seek in committed, long-term mates. 1 -35

Complexity of Relationships emerge from the combination of the partners’ experiences and talents, and are often much more than the sum of those parts. Two people may create a relationship that only faintly resembles the relationships they share with other people. Relationships are also fluid, dynamic processes rather than static, changeless things. 1 -36

The Dark Side Intimacy is sometimes costly, too. Distress and displeasure sometimes result from our dealings from others. So why take the risk? Because we are a social species. We need each other. 1 -37

For Your Consideration Mark and Wendy met during their junior years in college, and they instantly found a lot to like in each other. Wendy was pretty and very feminine and rather meek, and Mark liked the fact that he was able to entice her to have sex with him on their second date. Wendy was susceptible to his charms because she unjustly doubted her desirability, and she was excited that a dominant, charismatic man found her attractive. They starting cohabitating during their senior years and married six months after graduation. They developed a traditional partnership, with Wendy staying home when their children were young and Mark applying himself to his career. He succeeded in his profession, winning several lucrative promotions, but Wendy began to feel that he was married more to his work than to her. She wanted him to talk to her more, and he began to wish that she was eating less and taking better care of herself. In your opinion, what does the future hold for Mark and Wendy? How happy will they be with each other in another 10 years? Why? 1 -38