Biblical Counselor Training Class Lesson 10 Biblical Parenting

Biblical Counselor Training Class Lesson 10: Biblical Parenting

XII. Biblical Parenting

A. The Goal of Parenting 1. The glory of God (1 Cor. 10: 31, 2 Cor. 5: 9) 2. Faithfulness to do what God asks parents to do

B. The Priority of Marriage in Parenting 1. “One-flesh” vs. “not one flesh” relationships (Gen. 2: 24) a. The marriage relationship is a permanent relationship b. The parent-child relationship is a temporary relationship 2. “Child-centered” home - “…a home in which the child believes and is allowed to behave as though the entire household… exist for one purpose – to please him” – Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger, 24. Children are allowed to: a. Interrupt adults when they are talking b. Use manipulation & rebellion to get their way c. Dictate family schedule d. Take precedence over the needs of the spouse

B. The Priority of Marriage in Parenting e. Have an equal or overriding vote in decisionmaking f. Demand excessive time and attention from parents to the neglect of other responsibilities g. Escape consequences of sinful behavior h. Speak to parents as peers i. Be the dominant influence in the home j. Be entertained and coddled (rather than disciplined) out of a bad mood

B. The Priority of Marriage in Parenting 3. “Christ-centered” home – children perceive that the goal of the family is to honor & please Christ. This means that: a. The marriage relationship is the priority relationship, since it is permanent. b. The husband is the head of the family, as Christ is the head of the church, and the wife is helper. c. Children have an important relationship in the home, but their relationship is secondary & temporary.

C. Wrong Means & Goals in Parenting 1. Making children behave 2. Never telling children “no” – letting them have their way all the time 3. Sheltering them – “blank slate” approach 4. Legalistic parenting 5. Deterministic parenting 6. Forcing a profession of faith

D. A Common Misunderstanding 1. Prov. 22: 6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it. 2. Lit. – “train up a child in his own way, and when he is old he will not depart from it. ” 3. Para – “train your child to always get his way, and when he grows up, he’ll still live to always get his way. ” 4. This verse is a warning, not a promise.

E. The Means of Parenting 1. Deut. 6: 4 -9 a. A godly example (v. 6, cf. Ezra 7: 10, 1 Tim. 4: 16) b. “In milieu” instruction (vv. 7 -9) 2. Eph. 6: 1 -3 a. God has given parents the role of authority over children b. Children honor God when they honor and obey their parents c. Children need to understand that the place of God’s blessing is when they honor and obey

Ephesians 6: 1 -3 It will go well with you Spiritual danger HONOR & OBEY Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart

Ephesians 6: 1 -3 It will go well with you Spiritual danger HONOR & OBEY Dishonors or disobeys

Ephesians 6: 1 -3 It will go well with you Spiritual danger ? HONOR & OBEY Dishonors or disobeys Spiritual danger

F. Corrective Discipline 1. Discipline is corrective & restorative, not just punitive. It is designed to train (Heb. 12: 11) 2. The goal of discipline is to bring a child back into the circle of blessing 3. Discipline should target the heart, not just deal with behavior 4. The manner and means must be biblical. 5. The attitude and heart of the parent must be right before God.

F. Corrective Discipline 6. Kinds of corrective discipline: a. Logical consequences (Luke 15: 11 -24, 2 Thes. 3: 10) b. Fruit of sin (Prov. 5: 22, Jer. 2: 19) c. Additional work (Gen. 3: 17 -19) d. Loss of privileges and rewards (Deut. 28) e. Corporal punishment (Prov. 13: 24, 22: 15, 23: 1314, 29: 15) f. The rod of men (2 Sam. 7: 14, 2 Chron. 33: 1 -12)

F. Corrective Discipline 7. Guidelines on the use of the rod a. Check your own heart (cf. Eph. 6: 4) b. Give clear instruction beforehand c. If a warning is appropriate, give only one (clearly, and do not count) d. Always discipline a child alone e. Ensure the child understood the instruction, and acknowledges that they did not obey. Make sure they know what they should have done. f. Use Scripture to show that discipline is right g. Inform the child of the number of swats they will receive

F. Corrective Discipline h. Use a neutral object to administer the said number of swats i. Use enough force and number of swats to accomplish training ii. Fighting, disrespect, or rebellion is an indication that more discipline is needed i. j. Comfort the child (this needs to be the same person who administered the discipline) Teach and counsel the child (use Scripture) i. iii. iv. Move from behavior to the heart (Prov. 20: 5) Put the issue in the context of worship Show the child his responsibility before God Present the gospel

F. Corrective Discipline k. Help the child to confess his sin, repent, and seek forgiveness from God and appropriate people l. Give the child a second opportunity to obey m. Use wisdom with when and where you use the rod

G. Ephesians 6: 4 1. Fathers – bear primary responsibility 2. Do not provoke your children to anger a. Ways parents provoke children to anger i. Lack of marital harmony ii. Establishing/maintaining a child-centered home iii. Modeling sinful anger iv. Consistently disciplining in anger v. Scolding vi. Being inconsistent with discipline vii. Having double standards viii. Being legalistic (Making man-made rules equal to God’s law, or a test of spirituality) Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger, 30 -51.

G. Ephesians 6: 4 ix. Not admitting when you are wrong x. Constantly finding fault xi. Parents reversing God given roles xii. Not listening to the child’s opinion or side of the story xiii. Comparing children to others xiv. Not having time to talk xv. Not praising the child xvi. Failing to keep promises xvii. Chastising him in front of others xviii. Giving too much freedom xix. Not giving enough freedom xx. Making fun of the child

G. Ephesians 6: 4 xxi. Abusing them physically xxii. Calling them names xxiii. Having unrealistic expectations xxiv. Showing favoritism toward one child over another xxv. Employing child-training methodologies that are inconsistent with God’s Word b. “provoke to anger” does not mean you never upset, oppose, displease, cross, or anger your child. i. It speaks of “setting up” a child for an angry response. ii. It speaks of an ongoing pattern, not an occasional event.

G. Ephesians 6: 4 3. But bring them up a. b. “Bring up” means to nourish up to maturity. The phrase reveals three implications: i. Children do not automatically grow up to be what God wants them to be (Prov. 22: 15, 19: 15) ii. The verb is a command, which means this is God’s will for all parents. It is the only option. iii. The verb speaks of an ongoing activity, which parents must be engaged in all the time. c. This reveals as well that the goal of parenting is to prepare our children to leave the home and live successfully on their own by thinking and acting biblically in all aspects of life

G. Ephesians 6: 4 i. Thus all instruction and discipline in parenting must be a means toward this goal (Goal-oriented vs. Moment-oriented). Parenting must never be about relieving a parent’s frustration of the moment. ii. Parents must work hard to ensure that a child’s dependency, responsibility, and authority transitions from the parent to himself as he becomes a young adult.

G. Ephesians 6: 4 4. In the discipline of the Lord a. “discipline” means “training” – “guidance for responsible [Christ-honoring] living” b. This training should include: i. Establishing appropriate guidelines and rules based upon biblical principles (Ps. 119: 90 -100, 2 Tim. 3: 1617) ii. Explaining expectations clearly iii. Enforcing the rules and guidelines Modeling (1 Thes. 1: 5 -6, Phil. 4: 9) Training (1 Tim. 4: 7 -8, Heb. 5: 14) Motivating (1 Thes. 2: 11 -12) Correcting (Heb. 12: 5 -12, Prov. 13: 24)

G. Ephesians 6: 4 iv. Teaching children to think and live out of a biblical worldview v. Training children to respond biblically 5. And instruction of the Lord a. “instruction” means “admonishment” or “counsel” b. 2 actions involved in this instruction: i. Discerning the thinking and behavior God wants to change (1 Thes. 5: 14, Col. 1: 28) ii. Verbally using God’s Word to change thinking & behavior (Rom. 15: 14, 2 Thes. 3: 15, Col. 2: 18)

G. Ephesians 6: 4 6. Of the Lord a. b. c. d. 7. Christ & His Word are the authority Christ & His Word provide the content Christ & His Word teach the means Christ & His Word reveal the end or goal How? a. b. c. d. e. My example “In milieu” times of instruction Formal times of instruction Corrective discipline Participation in the body of Christ

H. A Vision for Parenting • Psalm 78