Assertiveness TECHNIQUES Basic Assertive Rights 1 The right

Assertiveness TECHNIQUES

Basic Assertive Rights 1. The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process. 2. The right to be treated with respect. 3. The right to say no and not feel guilty. 4. The right to experience and express your feelings. 5. The right to take time to slow down and think. 6. The right to change your mind.

Basic Assertive Rights The right to ask for what you want. The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. 9. The right to ask for information. 10. The right to make mistakes. 11. The right to feel good about yourself. 7. 8. (Jakubowski & Lange, 1978).

Assertive skills

I and You Messages ‘I’ states your feelings directly and honestly ‘I’ does not accuse or blame You puts people on the defensive and often brings an aggressive response. You make me angry You are wrong I feel that you are wrong (still a you message)

‘I’ language assertion I want statements I want to do this… I want you to do this v Guidelines for I want statements Ask other person about her preferences or willingness to do what you want I want you to drop a letter off at the post office before we go shopping. Is that OK with you? Quantify how strong or mild your wants are I want you to stop pressuring me about getting a new job; that at 10 on a scale of 10!

Ø I feel statements When you did …, I felt … I liked it when you did… I didn’t like it when you did… ØGuidelines for I feel statements Do not use just one word to describe most of your feelings (I’m upset) Specify the degree of your feelings I’m extremely angry It is helpful to first describe the specific behavior you find offensive and then express your feeling When you are late getting home without calling me, I get frighten.

Mixed feeling statements Name more than one feeling and explaining where each is coming from I’ve got mixed feeling about what you just said. I am happy that you are willing to play tennis with a novice like me. Yet I don’t like the comments you made about me being a rotten player; I found that irritating.

Empathic assertion Statements which recognize the other person and acknowledges their feelings, wants and needs as well as describing your situation and corresponding feelings, wants and needs. I can see you are upset with me and in no mood to talk right now; I would very much like to talk it over when you are ready. Bridge with “and” or “yet” Don’t use “however” or “but”

Confrontive Assertion Used when there are discrepancies Word contradict deeds Difference between what do and what said would do 3 steps Objectively describe what other person said would be done Describe what he actually did Express what you want Ø E. g. I realize you have been very busy this week, and yet we did agree we would discuss our vacation plans before the weekend. I’d like to set aside a half hour today to begin to talk.

Broken record: This is a useful technique and can work in virtually any situation. You rehearse what it is you want to say by repeating over and over again what it is you want or need. During the conversation, keep returning to your prepared lines, stating clearly and precisely exactly what it is you need or want. Do not be put off by clever arguments or by what the other person says. Once you have prepared the lines you want to say, you can relax. There is nothing that can beat this tactics

Example for broken record Anne: "Can I borrow Rs 1 ooo from you? " Paul: "I cannot lend you any money. I've run out. " Anne: "I'll pay you back as soon as I can. I need it desperately. You are my friend aren't you? " Paul: "I cannot lend you any money. " Anne: "I would do the same for you. You won't miss Rs 1000. " Paul: "I am your friend but I cannot lend you any money. I'm afraid I've run out. " Remember: Work out beforehand what you want to say. Repeat your reply over and over again and stick to what you have decided. This approach is particularly useful in: Situations where your rights are being ignored. Coping with clever articulate people. Situations where you may lose your self-confidence if you give in.

Fogging: This technique allows you to cope up with manipulative criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, This criticism make you feel bad about yourself To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, “you look terrible this morning. Those clothes look as though they have never seen washing machine and your hair… Reply could be: “yes , you are probably right, I don’t look my best this morning

Negative enquiry This technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, "So you think/believe that I am not interested? “ In what ways do you think I am not capable?

Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality Calmly agreeing with true criticism of your negative quality You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. . An example would be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say. "

Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of selfrespect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self -worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, "I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour? "

Acknowledgement, Validation, Gratitude • Receiving a compliment or feedback is an assertive act. • Validate that someone has spoken, even if using minimal responses as demonstrated in active listening skills. • As you focus on behaviors, facts, and the problem to be solved, make sure to validate the other person’s feelings: “I know it was a hard day…” • Thank you (for feedback…positive or negative) – a life of gratitude

SAYING ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’

Why is it difficult to say no? If I say no, they may feel hurt or rejected If I say no this time, they may not like me anymore If I say no this time, they may never ask again They won’t take any notice if I say no They would say ‘yes’ to me (and so I will feel guilty if I refuse them) I can’t say no, because I feel sorry for them

How to say ‘no’ assertively? Start your reply with a clear, firm, audible ‘no’ Do not justify or make excuses. Giving a reason is different from over-appologizing Feel that you have a right to say no Once you have said ‘no’ , do not stay around waiting to be persuaded to change your mind. Make a definite closure by changing the subject, walking away, continiuing with what you are doingwhatever is appropriate

How to say ‘no’ assertively? Remember you are saying ‘no’ to that particular request, not rejecting the person If the request takes you unawares or you have not sufficent time to think when asked, you can always say, ‘I will let you know’ in order to give yourself time to think about what you want to say Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the other person for asking you Ask for more information if you need it in order to decide whether you want to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’

Why is it difficult to say ‘yes’? I don’t deserve it They might not really mean it I am not really sure that is what I want I don’t have enough information

How to say ‘yes’ assertively Say ‘yes’ clearly and definitely Identify why you would find it difficult Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself Having calarified thughts for yourself then reaffirm your desire to say ‘yes’

Combining ‘yes’ and ‘no’ may be combined assertively to define what we want or what our limits are in a particular situation.