Assertive Conflict Resolution WinWin Solutions Aggressive Behavior n

Assertive Conflict Resolution Win-Win Solutions

Aggressive Behavior n n n n When I take my own rights into account and not the other person’s. Everyone should be like me I’m never wrong Closed minded Interrupts Domineering/Bullying Handle conflict by harming others.

Passive Behavior n n n n When I take the other person’s rights into account and not my own. Don’t express your true feelings Always agrees Apologetic Avoids ignores leaves Powerlessness Handle Conflict by doing nothing

Assertive Behavior • • Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others. Effective active listener States limits, expectations Decisive Operates from choice Eye Contact Handle conflict by using problem solving.

Definitions Conflict: When two people Disagree on an issue. Conflict Resolution: A communication skill that encourages a better understanding of the other person’s point of view, helping to resolve conflicts in a positive way. n Win-Win Conflict Resolution: A belief that everyone can win by co-operation and avoiding competition and comparing n n

What Doesn’t Work? • Yelling, • refusing to change or compromise, • refusing to work out the conflict, • Name calling, • hitting, • walking out, • belittling, etc. • Most Passive and Aggressive Behaviors.

What Does Work? • Assertive Techniques, • Win-Win Attitude, § Co-operation • Negotiation o Play Broken Square Game

When is Conflict Positive? When we are able to resolve internal and interpersonal conflicts, Using win-win problem solving. Every relationship will have some conflicts at some time or other. When we use win-win problem solving, it strengthen the relationship. When we don’t, it destroys it.

Who Owns the Problem? The person who is negatively affected by the Problem. What is the Owner’s responsibility? To find a way to resolve the problem, even if he is not the Cause of it.

Search for Win-Win Solution How do you feel when someone uses power To force you to do something? Three Responses • Fight • Flight / Avoidance • Obedience/ Shutting Down ØIdentify Each Others Needs and Goals

Types of Conflict Resolution n Win-Lose: The Totem Pole n Win-Lose: The Door-Mat n Lose-Lose: The Downward Spiral n Win-Win: The All You Can Eat Buffet

Win-Win Game

Hug O’War by Shel Silverstein I will not play at tug o' war I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses And everyone grins And everyone cuddles And everyone wins.

Preparation § § § Give a description of the problem that respects all involved. Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain the steps. Include only those concerned. Agree not to slip back to the win lose methods Find a good time and place with no distractions. Get something to write down ideas.

Identify the problem or issues Use I Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goals § Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s needs and basic goals § Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs. § Don’t accept sudden promises not to cause the problem §

Brainstorm Possible Solutions Car Sharing You and your spouse have one car. You need to go to a meeting tonight, and your spouse wants visit a good friend. How many Solutions can you come up with?

Brainstorm All Possible Solutions that meets both people’s needs Cake Cutting Exercise You are in charge of a Birthday party for four Children. You have one Cake and need to cut it in 4 equal parts. Brainstorm with your partner How many different ways you could cut it.

Or, cut it in equal layers ETC…

Look at things from another’s perspective and try to see their point Or view and look for a solution that meets both underlying needs.

Eskimo or Indian?

Moving or Still?

What is This?

Young or Old Woman?

Young or Old Woman?

What do you see?

Brainstorm to Generate all possible solutions. n · Think of any and all possible ways to solve the problem so that everyone will have needs met. n · Evaluate later NOT NOW n · Do not criticize any suggestion. Feed back with reflective listening n · Write down all ideas suggested.

Evaluate the alternative solutions Ask “Will it work? Does it meet all the needs of both people? Are there any problems likely? ” § Don’t accept solutions for the sake of speed § Use reflective listening and I Messages §

Decide on the best solution. Find a solutions that is mutually acceptable to both of you. . § If agreement seems difficult, Summarize areas of agreement. Restate needs, and look for new solutions. § Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution §

Implementing the Solutions Write this down and check all agree to it § Refuse to remind or police the solutions § If you want to set criteria for success, work out these now § Get Agreement on who does what by when §

Follow-up evaluation If the agreed upon solution doesn’t work, remember it is the solution that failed, not the person, and seek for a new solution. § Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you. § Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seems resolved. §

Remember to use I-Messages and Reflective Listening!

Results of Win-Win Solutions • More creative in Thinking up solutions • Take more responsibility for helping everyone have needs met • Feeling of mutual respect • Love grows deeper with every conflict resolved.