Assertion Conflict Resolution Passive Behavior n n n

Assertion & Conflict Resolution

Passive Behavior n n n n When I take the other person’s rights into account and not my own. Don’t express your true feelings Always agrees Apologetic Avoids confrontation Based on compliance Handles Conflict by doing nothing

Aggressive Behavior n n n n When I take my own rights into account and not the other person’s. Involves manipulation Intimidation Controlling Interrupts Domineering/Bullying Handle conflict by harming others.

Assertive Behavior • • Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others. Effective active listener States limits and expectations Decisive Operates from choice Eye Contact Handle conflict by using problem solving.

Definitions Conflict: When two people disagree on an issue. Conflict Resolution: A communication skill that encourages a better understanding of the other person’s point of view, helping to resolve conflicts in a positive way. n Win-Win Conflict Resolution: A belief that everyone can win by co-operation and avoiding competition and comparing n n

What doesn’t work in conflict resolution? • • Yelling Refusing to change Name calling, Hitting, Walking out, Belittling, etc. Most Passive and Aggressive Behaviors.

What Does Work during Conflict Resolution? • • Assertive Techniques, Win-Win Attitude, § Co-operation • Negotiation

When might a passive style be beneficial? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Minor issues When emotions run high Power Struggles Feelings of inferiority When change is impossible

When might an aggressive style be beneficial? 1. During emergencies 2. When decisions needs to be made quickly 3. To increase productivity

Defense Mechanisms Projection: Blame other people and things to cover weaknesses and failures Displacement: Transfer emotion to someone or something else (Take it out on. . . ) Direct Attack: Recognize problem and strive to solve it Idealization: Place too much value on an object or person

Defense Mechanisms cont. Compensation: Use a substitute method to achieve the goal Regression: Revert back to a less mature stage of development (Act like a 2 year old) Conversion: Emotion is expressed by a physical symptom or complaint (Head ache, ulcers, etc. Rationalization: Explain weakness or failures by giving socially accepted excuses.

Defense Mechanisms cont. Daydreaming: Imagine accomplishing or being better than reality Giving Up: Stop trying to solve problems because risk or failure is to high

Underlying issues Personality Clash: Conflict over similarities and/or differences Rights/privilege: Conflict over the rules or laws of the situation or over something you feel you are entitled to Role Expectation: Conflict over behavior associated with a position.

Underlying issues cont. Value Violation: Challenges over something important to you.

Hug O’War by Shel Silverstein I will not play at tug o' war I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses And everyone grins And everyone cuddles And everyone wins.

Rules for fair fighting 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. Negotiate from the adult point of view Avoid ultimatums If one loses, both loses Say what you really mean Avoid accusations and attacks Own your own feelings first Always check out your perceptions State your wishes and requests clearly and directly 9. Repeat the message you think you heard.

Rules for fair fighting 10. Refuse to fight dirty 11. Resist giving the silent treatment 12. Focus on the issue and deal in the present. 13. Call for “time – out” if necessary 14. Use humor not sarcasm 15. Always go for closure/resolution

Preparation § § § Give a description of the problem that respects all involved. Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain the steps. Include only those concerned. Agree not to slip back to the win lose methods Find a good time and place with no distractions. Get something to write down ideas.

Identify the problem or issues Use I Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goals § Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s needs and basic goals § Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs. § Don’t accept sudden promises not to cause the problem §

Brainstorm all possible solutions. n · Think of any and all possible ways to solve the problem so that everyone will have needs met. n · Evaluate later NOT NOW n · Do not criticize any suggestion. Feed back with reflective listening n · Write down all ideas suggested.

Evaluate the solutions Ask “Will it work? Does it meet all the needs of both people? Are there any problems likely? ” § Don’t accept solutions for the sake of speed § Use reflective listening and I Messages §

Decide on the best solution. Find a solutions that is mutually acceptable to both of you. . § If agreement seems difficult, Summarize areas of agreement. Restate needs, and look for new solutions. § Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution §

Implementing the Solutions Write this down and check all agree to it § Refuse to remind or police the solutions § If you want to set criteria for success, work out these now § Get Agreement on who does what by when §

Evaluate Results If the agreed upon solution doesn’t work, remember it is the solution that failed, not the person, and seek for a new solution. § Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you. § Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seems resolved. §

Results of Win-Win Solutions • More creative in Thinking up solutions • Take more responsibility for helping everyone have needs met • Feeling of mutual respect • Love grows deeper with every conflict resolved.