Amiahs Family Dance Visual Demonstration of the Familys

Amiah’s Family Dance Visual Demonstration of the Family’s “Dance” WWW. GOPLL. COM 1

THE POWER OF UNDERCURRENT WORK TO HEAL TRAUMA Misuse of Power Unhealed Wound Seed Unmet Primal Needs Seed Unhealthy Undercurrents Healthy Undercurrents Empty Threats No Empty Threats Unresolved Grief or Loss Grief Education & Resolution Maslow’s Unmet Hierarchy of Needs Fill in “Missing” Maslow Need Caustic Communication Supportive Communication Betrayal or Abandonment Security, Forgiveness, Unconditional Love Lack of Attachment or Bonding Attachment Bonds Lack of Consistent Discipline/Lack of Clarity on House Responsibilities Consistent Discipline/ Clarity on House Responsibilities Family Secrets Reveal Secrets Safety Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Forgiveness, Prayer Role Confusion Role Clarity Physical or Mental Abuse Support, Courage to Leave, Forgive Lack of Connection to God or Higher Power Connecting to God or Higher Power Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistent Nurturance Lack of Forgiveness Bitterness Forgiveness Mind, Body and Spirit Unbalanced Restoring Balance Dance of Violence De-escalation Tactics, Playfulness, Safety Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistent Nurturance Boundary Violations Creation of Boundaries High Anxiety Safety or Security Different Parent or Marital Philosophies Same Philosophies or Work Together High Stress Relaxation or Diversionary Tactics Lack of a Support System Mobilize or Create a Support System WWW. GOPLL. COM 2

The Current “Dance” – What is Happening Now I don’t feel safe and I wonder if mom loves me…” #6 – Amiah doesn’t feel like she knows who mom is. #4 – Amiah is scared as she sees her mom getting more and more frustrated and withdraws and to worry about what is going to happen in the future. Unhealthy Undercurrents: #2 – Amiah either freezes and does nothing or she immediately obeys to avoid upsetting mom. All the while she is thinking… Abandonment & Betrayal Lack of Nurturance Lack of Connection High Anxiety This dance feeds the seeds of unhealed wounds & unmet primal needs. (They are happy and well-fed every day!!) Mom Amiah “I messed up again…I wonder if I will end up living who knows where? ? ” Unhealed Wounds & Primal Needs Seed #1 – Mom sternly tells Amiah to do something, thinking #3 – Mom continues trying to correct Amiah, as mom’s frustration and anger grows…” #5 - Mom sees Amiah withdraw and feel even more angry and does not know what to do about it. Later on, mom thinks… “I’m trying to be a good parent, but I don’t know if this is the right way to parent” “I am so frustrated! Why doesn’t she know what she is supposed to do? ” #7 - Mom doesn’t feel like she knows who Amiah is “I am really angry at myself because I feel guilty about the past and I don’t know how to change the future. WWW. GOPLL. COM 3

The New “Dance” – What will happen in the Future I’m starting to feel safe and believe that my mom loves me” #6 – Amiah starts to feel like she knows who mom is. #4 – Amiah’s fears start to decrease as she sees her mom being consistent and clear with her expectations and doesn’t withdraw to worry about what is going to happen in the future. Healthy Undercurrents: Security & Unconditional Love Consistent Nurturance Reconnection Safety & Security #2 – Amiah likes the reward and looks forward to their time together per the playbook Mom Amiah Unhealed Wounds & Primal Needs Seed “I am starting to feel more secure because I know who mom is going to be each day This dance shrinks the seeds of unhealed wounds & unmet primal needs. (They are sad and being starved every day!!) #1 – Mom checks responsibility contract and rewards Amiah for doing her responsibilities before their planned playbook activity “I like having these clear plans so I am confident that I am doing this parenting right” #3 – Mom and Amiah follow the playbook activity before bed #5 - Mom enjoys her time with Amiah and her confidence as a mom starts to grow as she begins to let go of her guilt over the past. #7 - Mom likes how the playbook is starting to show her who her daughter, Amiah, is ry mo Me ar J ) otic tibi n (A WWW. GOPLL. COM 4

Casandra’s Family Dance Visual Demonstration of the Family’s “Dance” WWW. GOPLL. COM 5

THE POWER OF UNDERCURRENT WORK TO HEAL TRAUMA Unhealed Wound Seed Mental or Physical Impairment Seed Unmet Primal Needs Seed Unhealthy Undercurrents Healthy Undercurrents Unresolved Grief or Loss Grief Education & Resolution Drawn out Medical Illness Education, Support, Stress Management Maslow’s Unmet Hierarchy of Needs Fill in “Missing” Maslow Need Betrayal or Abandonment Security, Forgiveness, Unconditional Love Someone Seen as Patient/Mental Case Normality and Accountability Lack of Attachment or Bonding Attachment Bonds Family Secrets Reveal Secrets Safety Chemical Imbalance Psychotropic Medications Physical or Mental Abuse Support, Courage to Leave, Forgive Brain or Mental Impairment Consistent Structure, Education, Support Lack of Forgiveness Bitterness Forgiveness Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Forgiveness Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistent Nurturance Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistence Nurturance High Anxiety Safety or Security High Stress Relaxation or Diversionary Tactics Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Lack of Connection to God or Higher Power Mind, Body and Spirit Unbalanced Forgiveness, Prayer Connecting to God or Higher Power Restoring Balance WWW. GOPLL. COM 6

The Current “Dance” – What is Happening Now I can’t believe they lied to me all my life and they’re not even sorry! Unhealthy Undercurrents: Abandonment & Betrayal #5 - Casandra’s anger, resentment, frustration, and wounds continue to grow. Her acting out also grows, spilling over from her mother, to her siblings, to the community… #3 - Casandra is not only emotionally wounded and confused, but also feels abandoned and cast to the wayside as her trauma is not as visible as the youngest siblings. To become more visible, Casandra begins to act out through aggression and disrespect…thinking… #1 - Casandra learns her family structure is not what she thought as the household changes dramatically with no time for explanation or healing. She thinks… Casandra Yvonne/Less “I’m all alone…no one sees my pain and disappointment. Maybe they will notice me again if I start to get into trouble” This dance feeds the seed of unhealed wounds. (It is happy and well-fed every day!!) Unhealed Wound Seed Family Secrets Unforgiveness & Bitterness #2 – Yvonne & Less, busy taking on 4 new kids, don’t address Casandra’s feelings of betrayal. Instead they focus on the two youngest and their abandonment trauma…thinking… #4 - As Casandra increases her aggression, Yvonne does not know how to respond and so reacts with even less attention to Casandra. Less thinks… #6 - Yvonne resents Casandra for becoming disrespectful and hurtful and is angry with her for acting out. Bitterness grows, resentment flourishes as Yvonne thinks… “Our kids will be fine (Casandra & our two oldest) and we need to focus on the 4 new kids” “I am pulled between trying to care for Casandra and still support Yvonne! “What is wrong with you, Casandra…can’t you see that we saved you!” WWW. GOPLL. COM 7

The NEW “Dance” – What will happen in the future “I don’t feel alone any more and it is nice to be noticed again” #5 - Casandra begins to feel more secure and her anger and resentment begins to fade as she thinks… #3 - Casandra begins to feel less resentment toward her parents and the other family members in the home. She loves the special time with her parents and starts to think… Healthy Undercurrents: #1 - Casandra is reassured by her parents of her place in the family as they apologize for the pain that their decision not to tell her about her adoption caused her Security & Unconditional Love Casandra Yvonne/Less Unhealed Wound Seed “I am not sure I can trust them again…but I am in so much pain I will take a “leap of faith” This dance shrinks the seed of unhealed wounds. (It is sad and being starved every day!!) Reveal Secrets #2 – Yvonne & Less talk to Casandra about her feelings and begin to create a “Memories Book” together to remind her how much they love her and of all the special times they have had. Forgiveness #4 - Yvonne & Less know that it will take time for Casandra to fully trust them again and no matter what her behavior is that day, they continue with their playbook and they both think… “I will remind myself each day that we are all simply trying our best to get our needs met and I will work hard to show Casandra my unconditional love!” #6 - Yvonne forgives herself for her past choices and in that process, begins to let go of her resentment of Casandra as she thinks… es ori m Me ook B ) otic i b i t (An “We are in this together and it is nice being on the same page as we implement our playbook” WWW. GOPLL. COM 8

Mark’s Family Dance Visual Demonstration of the Family’s “Dance” WWW. GOPLL. COM 9

THE POWER OF UNDERCURRENT WORK TO HEAL TRAUMA Unhealed Wound Seed Mental or Physical Impairment Seed Unmet Primal Needs Seed Unhealthy Undercurrents Healthy Undercurrents Unresolved Grief or Loss Grief Education & Resolution Drawn out Medical Illness Education, Support, Stress Management Maslow’s Unmet Hierarchy of Needs Fill in “Missing” Maslow Need Betrayal or Abandonment Security, Forgiveness, Unconditional Love Someone Seen as Patient/Mental Case Normality and Accountability Lack of Attachment or Bonding Attachment Bonds Family Secrets Reveal Secrets Safety Chemical Imbalance Psychotropic Medications Physical or Mental Abuse Support, Courage to Leave, Forgive Brain or Mental Impairment Consistent Structure, Education, Support Lack of Forgiveness Bitterness Forgiveness Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Forgiveness Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistent Nurturance Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistence Nurturance High Anxiety Safety or Security High Stress Relaxation or Diversionary Tactics Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Lack of Connection to God or Higher Power Mind, Body and Spirit Unbalanced Forgiveness, Prayer Connecting to God or Higher Power Restoring Balance WWW. GOPLL. COM 10

The Current “Dance” – What is Happening Now “I am all alone in this sadness and feel like I am going further and further down a black hole! I don’t have anyone to go to. ” Unhealthy Undercurrents: Abandonment & Lack of attachment with dad #3 - Mark isolates even more as he thinks… Lack of attachment Mark feels all alone abandonment Lack of attachment “I really need my dad right now but I am afraid to say anything because I don’t want to risk rejection” #1 - Mark does not say anything to dad, but thinks… Dad Mark Unhealed Wound Seed Unmet Primal Need Seed #2 - Dad also does not talk to Mark and instead thinks… This dance feeds the seed of unhealed wounds. (It is happy and well-fed every day!!) “I feel so fad that Mark does not talk to me. I am filled with so many regrets…how did it get to this point? ” #4 - The distance between Dad and Mark grows as Dad feels hopeless and thinks… “I sense something is wrong with my son but I have no idea how to make the first move to reconnect with Mark!” WWW. GOPLL. COM 11

The NEW “Dance” – What Will Happen in the Future “I am not sure if I can trust again but I am in so much emotional pain right now I will take a “leap of faith. ” Healthy Undercurrents: Security and Attachment with dad #3 - Mark listens to dad and thinks… First steps for reattachment Seeds are planted for Mark to feel secure again and not abandoned First steps for reattachment “I really need my dad right now but I am afraid to say anything because I don’t want to risk rejection” #1 - Mark does not say anything to dad, but thinks… Dad Mark Unhealed Wound Seed Unmet Primal Need Seed #2 - Dad steps up to the plate as a “warrior” and tells Mark about the camping trip…thinking… #4 - Dad tells Mark that the “Wild at Heart” camping trip is just the beginning and that Mark’s uncles are coming too. Dad thinks… “I sense something is wrong with my son but I have no idea how to make the first move to reconnect with Mark!” This dance shrinks the seed of unhealed wounds. (It is sad and being starved every day!!) “It is time to reconnect with my son. He needs me and we will start with a camping trip!” t ld a Wi art He ook yb Pla c) ioti b i t (An WWW. GOPLL. COM 12

Family Heart ss” “I’m : m Mo Angry Outbursts/Aggression le Help ble” Unlova / s s e l h t r Wo Mark: “I’m Mark: “D se & u b al A Dad u x Se nt by : s t ven onme E c i at Aband m u Tra tional Emo ad doesn ’t care ab out me” Dad : arou “Mark nd m does n’t w e so ant why try” to be WWW. GOPLL. COM 13

The Case of Elijah Visual Demonstration of the Family’s “Dance” Feedback Loop “The Dance” WWW. GOPLL. COM 14

THE POWER OF UNDERCURRENT WORK TO HEAL TRAUMA Unhealed Wound Seed Mental or Physical Impairment Seed Unmet Primal Needs Seed Unhealthy Undercurrents Healthy Undercurrents Unresolved Grief or Loss Grief Education & Resolution Drawn out Medical Illness Education, Support, Stress Management Maslow’s Unmet Hierarchy of Needs Fill in “Missing” Maslow Need Betrayal or Abandonment Security, Forgiveness, Unconditional Love Someone Seen as Patient/Mental Case Normality and Accountability Lack of Attachment or Bonding Attachment Bonds Family Secrets Reveal Secrets Safety Chemical Imbalance Psychotropic Medications Physical or Mental Abuse Support, Courage to Leave, Forgive Brain or Mental Impairment Consistent Structure, Education, Support Lack of Forgiveness Bitterness Forgiveness Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Forgiveness Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistent Nurturance Lack of Consistent Nurturance Unconditional Love, Consistence Nurturance High Anxiety Safety or Security High Stress Relaxation or Diversionary Tactics Lack of Forgiveness Resentment Lack of Connection to God or Higher Power Mind, Body and Spirit Unbalanced Forgiveness, Prayer Connecting to God or Higher Power Restoring Balance WWW. GOPLL. COM 15

The Current “Dance” – What is Happening Now “It’s all my fault” The Case of Elijah #4 - As Elijah gets in more trouble, dad’s guilt grows, grandma and Aunt Janet are bound by fear and hopelessness and family resentment grows I can never overcome my past! #2 - Grandma feels ashamed, Aunt Janet feels helpless, and Dad feels guilty. They all are resentful and no one talks about their pain or knows what to do Unhealthy Undercurrent: Abandonment & Loss Elijah Unhealthy Undercurrent: Unforgiveness & Resentment Grandma, Aunt Janet & Dad Unhealed Wound Seed I have so much resentment and anger and I don’t know how to resolve it! #1 -Elijah is angry over past pain of the raid, losing his dad for 8 years and then losing his mom but doesn’t talk about it #3 -Elijah turns his anger outward as he engages in aggressive behavior (at school, toward his sister, anywhere) #5 -With no resolution, Elijah’s anger and resentment grows and the family remains stuck in a cycle of pain and hopelessness with their wounds continuing to have “salt thrown in them” WWW. GOPLL. COM 16

The NEW “Dance” – What Will Happen in the Future “The past is the past but I can help my family have a future!” “Each day is a new day to show my family I am there for them!” Healthy Undercurrent: Resolving Abandonment & Loss The Case of Elijah #4 - Adults are able to remain “firm” and consistent with their rules #2 - Grandma’s feelings of shame lesson, Aunt Janet begins to feel hopeful, and Dad’s guilt lessons as the family begins to communicate Elijah Playbook Activity brings healing to unhealed wounds and brings forgiveness as boundaries are established for expressing feelings (anger, guilt, etc. ) Grandma, Aunt Janet & Dad Unhealed Wound Seed I am starting to feel better each day as we all are starting to talk again!!! #1 -Entire family implements a Playbook to establish “Permission” to talk about their feelings with proper boundaries #3 -Elijah expresses his anger instead of engaging in aggressive behaviors #5 -The entire family begins to grow closer as the anger and mixed up feelings decrease and hope and security increases WWW. GOPLL. COM 17