Addressing Hurtful Behavior through Restorative Process A Restorative

Addressing Hurtful Behavior through Restorative Process A Restorative Practice Approach for Guiding Youth from Shame to Self-Respect

Accountability ØWhat is it? ØWhat does it mean? ØHow is it valuable? ØHow does it help young people who have been violent toward family members?

Three Case Examples 1. What might be barriers to these youth feeling accountable for his/her behavior? 1. What would make it hard for him/her to be willing to acknowledge the impact of the behavior on other family members? 2. What are some ideas for how you would approach engaging accountability with them? 3. When a youth has been a victim of family violence, how would you approach holding her/him accountable for their own behavior?

THE THREE R’S v. Respect for Self v. Respect for Others v. Responsibility for all your Actions

Respect for Self Abuse of Others

Respect, for self and others, helps to diffuse aggressive impulses (de Cremer& Tyler, 2005; Janoff-Bulman & Werther, 2008)

What Builds Self-Respect? ØFeeling Respected by others ØCompetence ØPositive acknowledgement from others ØTaking Accountabilityacknowledging wrong doings ØRighting our wrongs

Restorative Practice Understanding Effects of Behavior/Empath y for Others Making Amends through Reparative Acts Accountability for Harmful Behavior Respect for Self and Others

Restorative Process Offers a framework for honest and respectful dialogue about hurtful behavior • Guides a process of engaging empathy, ownership of behavior and making amends • Teaches lifelong skills for how to actively take responsibility for harmful behaviors • Ignites empathy and personal responsibility for all parties involved • Invites mutual forgiveness and understanding • Opens door to restoring the relationship

Restorative Practice ’Guiding Principles’ help youth engage • • Respect for All Collaborative problem solving The right to be heard Socratic engagement Support and encouragement Separates ‘behavior’ from ‘person’ Fair process and working ‘With’

TO WITH High Restorative Limits Expectation Control Punitive NOT FOR Neglectful Permissive Respect - support - encouragement. HIGH Adapted from Social Discipline Window - Paul Mc. Cold and Ted Wachtel - 2000

ACCOUNTABILITY MUST BE BALANCED WITH SUPPORT

Blame Accountability The more we blame, the harder it is for youth to feel accountable

And…. . Support / Encouragement must be balanced with Clear Expectations i. e. , Hurtful behavior results in obligations to those harmed

What is a major barrier to owning our mistakes?

What do people do Instead?

Nathanson’s Compass Of Shame WITHDRAWAL isolating oneself; running and hiding ATTACK OTHERS ATTACK SELF self put-down; masochism lashing out verbally or physically; blaming others AVOIDANCE NATHANSON 1992 denial, drugs and alcohol work NATHANSON 1994

SHAME AND EMPATHY Harm to other I’m a bad person Empathy Increased shame Blame, deny, justify Shame Decrease empathic response

Trigge r Event Lash Out Violence Abuse Feel Bad Selfblame/ Shame Angry Justify Blame Others Cycle of Blame and Shame

Help them stop the cycle by: Reducing Shame through Accountability Making Amends: Taking active responsibility for wrong doing Ø Defuses shame, transforming it into feeling responsible and capable of taking action to resolve problems caused by the behavior; • Ø Relaxes the defenses and nervous system allowing the person to begin to problem solve and figure out a plan for behavior change; Ø Raises self-respect, bringing back a sense of self that is good, caring and empathic.

Restorative Inquiry 1. What happened? 2. Who was harmed by the behavior? 3. What was the harm? o How did the behavior effect the person? Others? Me? (ask: “How do you think they felt? ”) o How did it effect your relationship with them? o How did it cause a problem? 4. What can I do to help with any problems caused? How can I make amends? 5. What could I have done differently? 6. What do I need to do so I don’t repeat the behavior? (Help them make a plan)

Restorative Process breaks the Shame Cycle • Ability to talk about what happened in a supportive environment reduces the shame • Acknowledging the behavior gives relief • When the youth can acknowledge their behavior without others blaming, accusing and attacking- it reduces the empathy blockers • Empathy is ignited in an environment of safety, respect and support • Conversation happens in a meaningful way • Taking action to make it right and make amends increases dignity and self esteem • The person harmed feels validated and respected • Relationship begins to restore

Shame vs. Guilt Research has found a negative relationship between proneness to experience shame and problematic relationships, but no relationship between proneness to guilt and relationship adjustment or maladjustment (Tangney, 1995; Tangney & Dearing, 2002).

Shame vs. Guilt • Social cognitive theory suggests that shame impairs people's ability to generate effective solutions to interpersonal problems and/or diminishes confidence (self-efficacy) in one's ability to implement those solutions. • Research has shown that shame-proneness was negatively correlated with the quality of self-generated solutions to common interpersonal problems, self-efficacy for implementing these solutions, and with the expected effectiveness of those solutions. • Guilt-proneness was positively correlated with quality of solutions, self-efficacy for implementing the solutions, the expected effectiveness of the solutions, and with the desire to solve the interpersonal conflict. (Tangney, 1995; Tangney & Dearing, 2002).

Shame vs. Guilt • Shame- who I am - person • Guilt- what I do - behavior • Restorative process shifts shame into guilt- the healthier emotion that promotes empathy and a desire to repair the harm done and make it right

Shifts perspective of Self From: “I am a bad person; I am not capable, ” To: “I am a good person; I chose a wrong behavior. I am capable of taking responsibility and repairing the harm. I can choose a different behavior next time.

Restorative Dialogue Ø Offers a vehicle to both release and ‘manage’ shame ( for parents and teens). Ø It often invokes shame within a reintegrative shaming ritual that enables families to gain meaning as to what happened. Ø Then begins to repair their ‘hurts’ & gives teens a healing pathway back into those ‘key’ relationships. (Braithwaite, 1995)

Tips for Success Youth and/or person harmed may not be ready for restorative conversation. They may need one or all of the following to support success: Ø Time to be alone and not talk about it Ø To be listened to by the parent, or another person (as long as they stay respectful, and talk about feelings – without blaming) Ø Take time alone thinking about the questions Ø It might take some time before they are ready

Determining when it is appropriate to engage in restorative process Not Ready: If youth or parent is unable to talk without: Ø Blaming Ø Denying Ø Justifying Ø Using “I” statements Ø Attacking Ø Put downs Or anger and resentment continue to be high Ready: When youth and parent are able to: Ø Talk respectfully Ø Listen to each other Ø Follow the ‘Communication Agreement’ Ø Manage anger and strong emotions Ø Take a break when needed

Tips for practitioners: Coaching families before restorative sessions • Take time to prep the family • Teach respectful communication skills and make a ‘Communication Agreement’ with ground rules prior to the restorative session • Spend a session with the youth and parent separately prior to restorative session • If other family members will join, meet with them each first to go over the questions. • Have them all think about the impact of the behavior on them and the family prior to meeting and how they can talk about it following the ‘Communication Agreement’

Communication Agreement Respectful words, tone and manner Express feelings and opinions in “I” statements Stop and take a break if I cannot be respectful Pause to think before I speak Engage in the conversation with an open mind Clear my thoughts so I can LISTEN completely Try to understand the other person’s feelings and opinions EVEN WHEN I DISAGREE

Tips for parents - transforming shame as it arises during the process: Ø Acknowledge their feelings, without judgment Ø Avoid blaming- when you take away blame, they stop defending Ø Avoid defending – when you defend, they blame Ø Don’t excuse their behavior- excusing takes away their ability to feel what they need to feel to motivate change Ø Be an ‘ally’, an their side to figure this out Ø Stick to the ‘behavior’, not the ‘person’ Ø Give them space to talk about it without your comment – listen, listen (as long as they are staying respectful)

Tips for Parents Ø If you have contributed negatively to the situation, show accountability by acknowledging it and what you could have done differently. Be a model for them by going through the restorative process about your own behavior. Ø If others have harmed the young person in the past, acknowledge this with them, and their feelings (possibly feeling it is not fair that person didn’t have to be accountable and make amends, and “why do I have to? ”) Let them know this is about helping our family now, so we have healthy and safe relationships with each other.

Restorative Process as a parenting tool When your youth becomes escalated, abusive or violent Ø Stop engagement Ø Use your self-calming tools to prevent reacting Ø Decide what you need to do- separate, call for help, (see ‘How to Respond when your Teen is Violent’) Ø Hold your own boundaries, and set boundaries for them in a firm, but supportive manner, i. e. , “Your behavior is not safe, use your Safety Plan, and we’ll talk about it later when we are calm. ” Ø Later, when all is calm, address the behavior using Inquiry’ ‘Restorative See Step-Up parent curriculum, Session 12: Guiding Change in Your Teen through Restorative Practice

Transforming Shame Focus on Behavior Honesty About Harm is Supported Don’t Engage with Justifying and Blaming. Listen for Feelings Don’t Excuse Behavior Give Space to Talk About What Happened

We’re All In This Together

Inner Strength

Contact Information • Lily Anderson: lily. anderson@kingcounty. gov • Phone: 206 -296 -7841 • Website: kingcounty. gov/courts/step-up