9 Things Every Spouse Should Know n n

9 Things Every Spouse Should Know n n n n n What ignited your interest when you first met The importance of looking into her eyes when listening The importance of courtship after marriage The simple intimacy of holding hands Unexpected gifts can bring great pleasure How to say “I’m Sorry” The Value of a hug The triggers that hurt feelings That your spouse is priceless

Studies Show: Successful & healthy marriages grow together, sharing feelings, ideas & goals; the reverse happens in unhealthy marriageswhere spouses avoid conversations for fear of confrontation

Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight

The only way to intimacy is through conflict

Is there unresolved conflict in your marriage that can be used as a bridge to intimacy? What’s stopping you from doing it?

Avoiding Explosive Patterns of Relating n n n Do I want to hurt or put this person down? Do I want to win this person over? Do I want to establish who’s right & who’s wrong? Do I want to make this person feel guilty/bad? Do I want to unload bad feelings from the past on this person?

2. Crea te Safety Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight

The Issue of Safety: Confidentiality Protect boundaries Listening beyond words Relational Skills of warmth, empathy, genuineness Be fully present Be motivated out of love Prayer Seek understanding Accurate information

3. Play 2. Crea te Safety Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight

Recreation & Companionship are Important to Both… What is a “best friend? ” n. What attracted you to each other in the beginning? n. What do you enjoy doing together? n. How much time do you spend laughing together? n. When is the last time you had a play date? n

Creating Intimacy Through Play… Do things together n. Enter each other’s world n. Be a safe person to the other n. Create “benchmark times” (“check-in’s”) n

3. Play 2. Crea te Safety Tools Towards Intimacy 4. Valu e 1. Fight

6 Steps to Helping Your Spouse Feel Special & Loved: n n n Let memories be your guide Create traditions and special times Don’t miss significant occasions Be demonstrative with love (secure & appreciated spouses are rarely demanding) Build up- don’t chip away your spouse (praise deficit) Accept spouse for who he/she is not who you want them to be

3. Play 2. Crea te Safety Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight 5. Love 4. Valu e

Ephesians 5: 21 -28. . . And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife.

What does Christ’s love of the Church look like? n n n n n Died for her and makes her whole Looks out for her growth & best interests Provides resources for growth Protects her from the world Helps her to invest talents Heals hurts Takes her suffering on himself Supports her in trials Comes alongside her when she falls

In Order to Love (intimately) One Another You Must. . . Know each other’s heart… interests, passions, desires, hopes, fears, longings, dreams… Do You?

Husbands think for a moment…Do you know her favorite: Vacation Place n n n n n Movie Restaurant TV Show Kind of Novel Way of Relaxing Way of Working/Doing Tasks Way of celebrating something special Way of Receiving Love and Giving Love? Way of Being Approached for Sex?

Wives- Do You Know: n n n n His Favorite Food/Restaurant How He Has Fun What Makes Him Feel Good About Himself How He Would Prefer to Spend Some Extra Money How He Handles Stress How He Feels Respect From You When He Needs Your Help How He Would Prefer Your Love Life

How can we love like Christ loves, mutually submit to each other, lead like Christ led, truly be united as one if we cannot answer simple questions about our spouse’s preferences in the little things… WE CAN’T- Get Behind Each Other’s Eyes to Really See the World as Your Spouse Does…Then We Can Better Love

Men: How Are You Doing at Loving Your Wife? n n n Have you left father & mother & bonded with her? Do you see wife as one with you in every phase of life? Are you loving as Christ loves the church? Do you often sacrifice your own interests for your wife’s well-being? Do you tell her you love her? Do you talk about spiritual matters- pray often for her and with her?

Women: How Are You Doing at Loving Your Husband? n n n Have you left father & mother and formed identity with your husband? Do you avoid using sex as a weapon to get your way? Do you show respect for your husband in attitude & actions? Do you do the little things that please him? Do you see yourself as a spiritual companionpraying for and with your husband?

Men= Intimacy= S-E-X Women= Intimacy= T-A-LK

Understand your husbands need for sexual intimacy: a husband. . . n n n Needs his wife to initiate sex often struggles with feelings of inadequacy & failure gets discouraged when a wife does not express passion for him feels as if he is not important to his wife if she does not take time to make love to him feels loved when his wife receives and responds to him sexually

When your husband’s need for sexual intimacy is not met. . . he feels rejected as a person n he shuts down or goes away n he looks elsewhere to get his needs met n

Understand your wife’s need for emotional intimacy: your wife. . . n n n Needs to experience emotional closeness needs to feel listened to & understood needs to feel as if she is your top account- valuable to you- a cut above needs your undivided attention needs you to demonstrate your respect for her as a person

When your wife’s need for sexual intimacy is not met. . . She will withdraw n She will not feel free to respond to you sexually n She may look elsewhere to get her needs met n

What can you do?

3. Play 2. Crea te Safety Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight 5. Love 4. Valu e 6. Liste n

How can does your spouse say “I love you? ”

Listen for the love language of the other… what is it? n Learn to understand the “foreign” language n Appreciate the language for it’s intent n Discuss the differences together n

3. Play 2. Crea te Safety 7. Meet Needs Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight 5. Love 4. Valu e 6. Liste n

Why Should we Meet Needs? It is a part of keeping vows n God calls us to do it (as a part of the special love we have for a spouse) n Results in a great marriage n By denying the other’s needs - it could cost your marriage! n

Top 5 Love Needs of women n n Unconditional Love & Acceptance Emotional Intimacy & Communication (equals intimacy) Spiritual Intimacy Encouragement & Affirmation Companionship Men n n Unconditional Love & Acceptance Sexual Intimacy (equals intimacy) Companionship Encouragement & Affirmation Spiritual Intimacy

How Committed are you to Meeting your Spouse’s Needs? In the next 2 days- discuss your love needs with each other- what are the top 5? What can you do to better meet them?

What can you do? Get help if you need… see a marriage counselor… go to marriage retreats-

3. Play 2. Crea te Safety 7. Meet Needs Tools Towards Intimacy 1. Fight 5. Love 4. Valu e 6. Liste n