1 How does traditional individualistic parenting fall short

集體性聖經子女教育 1. 個人主義: How does traditional individualistic parenting fall short compare to corporate parenting 集體 性教育？ 2. 門徒訓練：How is parenting similar to discipleship？

教育兒女像門徒訓嗎？ How is parenting similar to discipleship？ He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers. Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California

個人主義 Individualism, at the core of the American belief system, as well described by the book Habits of the Heart, by Robert Bellah, perhaps underlines the philosophy that children should be raised free and without limits, that discipline is wrong. That thinking has its price most choose to ignore (the moral decline of the Western world is perhaps one of many consequences). v Link to Habits of the Heart, Robert Ballahhttp: //en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Robert_Neelly_Be llah v

親子教育是門徒訓練 看一次，做一次，教一次 （see one, do one, teach one） v 看一次，learn by watching, intentionally v 做一次，do while under supervision v 教一次, teach to demonstrate competency and refine skill v 箴 22: 6

集體性聖經子女教育 v 精英？精兵？ v What goals are we setting for our children? Your goal in parenting defines your course and your action. v Are we raising soldiers for the Kingdom or simply building a generation of social elite?

Tim Keller v. The tendency of religious people, however, is to use spiritual and ethical observance as a lever to gain power over others and over God, appeasing him through ritual and good works v The Reason for God

集體性聖經子女教育 v. It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us, 1996, Hillary Rodham Clinton takes the body of Christ to raise our children v. It

集體性聖經子女教育 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 塑造子女的靈命 -- Spiritual Formation 培養管教的藝術 -- Art of discipline 溝通 -- Communication 怎樣以行動表現愛 -- Love 集體親子教育 -- Collective Parenting 盟約親子教育 -- Covenant Parenting

集體性聖經子女教育 v Tim Keller and Billy Graham both quoted their Sunday School experience (and influence by SS teachers) in their spiritual formation v To create a culture/church body to raise our next generation for the Kingdom.

Media violence v American Academy of Pediatrics recognizes exposure to violence in media, including television, movies, music, and video games, as a significant risk to the health of children and adolescents. v Media violence 傳媒暴力 can contribute to aggressive behavior 敵對行為, desensitization to violence, nightmares, and fear of being harmed Pediatrics, Nov 2001

Media Violence American children between 2 and 18 years of age spend an average of 6 hours and 32 minutes each day using media (television, commercial or self-recorded video, movies, video games, print, radio, recorded music, computer, and the Internet). This is more time than they spend on any other activity, with the exception of sleeping.

媒體暴力 Media violence Children are influenced by media — they learn by observing, imitating, and making behaviors their own. Aggressive attitudes and behaviors are learned by imitating observed models. The strongest single correlate with violent behavior is previous exposure to violence. Children younger than 8 years cannot discriminate between fantasy and reality, they are uniquely vulnerable to learning and adopting as reality the circumstances, attitudes, and behaviors portrayed by entertainment media. The effects of child-initiated virtual violence via interactive media (video games and the Internet) may be even more profound than those of passive media, such as TV.

媒體暴力 Media violence After playing video games, young people exhibit measurable decreases in prosocial and helping behaviors and increases in aggressive thoughts and violent retaliation to provocation. Playing violent video games has been found to account for a 13% to 22% increase in adolescents' violent behavior; by comparison, smoking tobaccounts for 14% of the increase in lung cancer

媒體暴力 Media violence 下一步 限制屏幕時間 (電視，遊戲機，電 腦） 在一天 1 － 2 小時之內 2. using the v-chip, avoiding any exposure to violent video games (home, other adults) 3. keeping children's bedrooms media free 1.

理想的父母角色 v 以弗所書 6: 1 你們作兒女的、要在主裡聽 從父母、這是理所當然的。 父母沒有正确地運用權力 v 不用 (Hesitancy in assuming authority) v 濫用 (Tendency in abusing authority) v 硬用 (Authority not packaged in love) v

理想的父母角色 沒時間用� 忙 —簡樸生活� 重排優先 盲點� 父母首先去改善亲子关系 parents have blind spots and should be the first to initiate changes in a strained parent-child relationship 與罪爭紮中的父母仍要教

團隊與角色 以神為中心的倒三角型 v 神為中心� 婚姻關係為先� 親子關係 在後 v 婚姻關係 親子問題� 相互影響 v (eg: parent requesting me to take sides reflecting a deeper issue: inability to resolve differences between the couples manifesting as parental issues)

父親的角色 愛妻子 (support, affirm, nourish, enjoy, help in housework, Ken Canfield, 7 secrets of Effective Fathers) v 定家庭的氣氛與方向 (set direction and tone of the family) v 家門� (cell membrane, gate keeper of what comes through into the family to influence the family � Shaping influence and orienting them toward God v

父親的角色 首先開始處理分爭 (takes initiative to resolve conflict) v 夫親不在症 (Absent father syndrome): 心意更新而變 化 (change of mindset) v 多交談少教訓 (more talks, less lecture): Lap talks bedside talks car talks v 你們作父親的、不要惹兒女的氣、只要照著主的教訓 (discipline) 和警戒 (instruction)、養育他們。 (以弗所書 v 6: 4 )

母親的角色 順服丈夫 (submit), 幫助 (help, assist) v 摩西的母親, 耶穌的母親 (noted not for her method, but for her Godliness) v 理家 (homemaker, runs the household, provide stability) v 要有成人的接觸, 注意個人的發展 v

健康的家庭關系 Consistent 一貫的 2. Harmonious 融合的 3. Deliberate 故意的 1.

融合的 v 融合的 (harmonious) v 家庭的價�觀 (Family values) v 對失敗的反應 (Response to failure) v My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure. Abraham Lincoln v 學習不只是達到目的� 更是體會過程� (Don’t short cut to “goals” the approach is also part of the learning) v 你們的言語要常常帶著和氣、好像用鹽調和、就可知道 該怎樣回答各人。(歌 羅 西 書 4: 6)

愛是盟約 (a covenant) 集團盟約 Communal Covenant 『你們放心管教我的兒女…』 主日學, 教會學校 Time Magazine, Feb 2005: What Teachers Hate about Parents

交往，溝通 Impactful Conservation: face-to-face (not yelling from another room), eyelevel, congruent body language, intent listening 聚精會神的聽. (Mazlish and Faver) 要知道怎樣「講 話 」 子女才會「聽」 ，並且 怎樣「聽」 子女 才會「 說」。

交往，溝通 v v v 分享內心﹐不要只處理問題 生命的分享﹐願意化時間 (waste time together) listen attentively (專注聆聽) Go deep (深入), ask questions Be an intelligent (有智慧) other-oriented (以他 人為中心) communicator.

交往，溝通 訓話與對話 lecture vs conversation v 長編的教訓不起作用—long Lectures do not work, they only intimidate. v 對話 (talking), 聆聽 (listening), 澄清 (clarifying), 指示 (instruction) 有幫助. v 危機前 溝通 (communicate when not in crisis) v

Bear Hug 熊抱 Bear Hug as a physical restraint if property use is useful for children 3 years and up. For 3 and older who has average language skills, and understands consequences, the bear hug is a safe and effective means to extinguish “stop” behavior Once submission is establish, it rarely needs to be used again

Bear Hug 熊抱 The bear hug was first described by pediatric neurologist, Dr. Barbara Howard, a developmental pediatrician introduced it. One such Christian organisation that utilize bear hug: http: //aolff. org/grace-based-discipline/the-5 steps

1 -2 -3 Magic another useful method as well described and practiced by Dr. Thomas Phelan is the counting method he dubbed 1 -2 -3 Magic. This is for slightly older children (5 and up). Here is the link: http: //www. 123 magic. com/

正面親子指南 Positive Reinforcement to Negative Reinforcement at a 5: 1 or more ratio 2. Discipline needs not be harsh , it only needs to happen 3. 目的不是懲罰, 是訓練. 1.

正面親子指南 教訓一般不起作用 (Lectures only intimidates) 2. Talking, listening, clarifying, instructing help 3. Threats only teach falsehood 4. Establish the habit of talking with them when not in crisis. 預防勝過治療 1.

正面親子指南 積極的傾聽 (Active listening) 2. 接受他們的感覺 (Acknowledge their feelings ) 3. 陳述事實 (state the facts) 4. 表明行為 ，不是孩子 (label the behavior not the 1. child) 寬恕和忘記過去 (Practice forgiving & forgetting) 6. 勇敢承認您的錯誤 be brave to admit your own 5. mistake

Reading List Campbell, Ross. How To Really Love Your Child (Wheaton: Victor Books), 1977. 2. Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no (Grand Rapids: Zondervan) 1992. 3. Dobson, James. Dare to Discipline (Wheaton: Tyndale House), 1982. 4. Dobson, James. Hide or Seek : [How to Build confidence in your child] (Hodder and Stoughton), 1985. 1.

Reading List 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk (New York: Avon Books), 1980. Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. Siblings without Rivalry (New York: Avon Books), 1987. Ferber, Richard. Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems (New York: A Fireside Book), 1985. Fraiberg, Selma. The Magic Years (New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons), 1959. Tripp, Paul. Age of Opportunity (Phillipsburg: Presbyterian & Reformed), 1997 Tripp, Tedd. Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Wapwallopen PA: Shepherd Press), 1995

Common parenting issues in today’s church Over emphasis on building knowledge and skills in our children: music lessons, dancing, sports (valuable as they are) but not enough emphasis on Biblical values and spiritual formation (character building) Over-protectiveness. Too much emotions (explanation, talking, convincing children to comply) during discipline.

Common parenting issues in today’s church Parents unable to establish authority. Family have too much TV, game, or video time. Raising 精英, not 精兵. More concern of how others see them than how God sees them. Lack of collective parenting, (各家自管门前雪) Child focus > Marriage focus > God focus Inconsistent family devotion

Observation and reflection: Very caring parents, all children are well loved A bonded fellowship, brothers and sisters are transparent and loving, providing a nourishing environment for children to grow Parents are moderate (中庸，不極端), not “Tiger Moms” Family are generally child-focus, especially mothers, as a result, 爸爸可能覺得被冷落…

Next step: Study your child, envision their future in the Kingdom of God Help them nourish their relationship with Christ. Practice collective parenting (group parenting), parents, learn to rely on each other in a faith based community Share resources, experience, books, DVD, toys, clothes. Create a library of such resources.

Next step: Nourish your marital relationship. Health parenting child relationship stems from healthy marital relationship, which in term stems from a close walk with the Lord. Diaper For Dating (尿佈換約會): babysit each other's children while couples date. Come with diaper bag (and of course your child), leave with your lovely spouse for a date. Wives, as you strife to be loving, devoted, and capable mothers: keep your balance, 不要冷落丈夫 Husbands, take back the driver seat, be the spiritual leader to ensure that your home environment is Christ